


keep passing me by

by thejollypirate



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-08
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-03-17 00:01:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 23,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3507551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thejollypirate/pseuds/thejollypirate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all starts with Emma Swan being sexiled from her own dorm with an important culminating art project in there that she hasn't started. Which is due in two weeks. Not that pleasant as it sounds, but when she has one of her most trustworthy friends assisting her with it, perhaps it can work.</p><p>[abandoned.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_When life leaves you high and dry_

_I’ll be at your door tonight_

_If you need help_

_If you need help_

**gone, gone, gone by phillip phillips**

* * *

 

“You’ve _got_ to be kidding me,” Emma mutters, yanking the door shut after hearing some rather distracting- fucking- sounds.

 

It’s late, she really, _really_ needs to work on her culminating art project, but thanks to her friend Ruby- oh, well, roommate too- she’s practically been exiled- _sexiled_ if you will- from her own dorm. That’s not a pleasant sight to behold, nor are the sounds splendid when it goes through her ears. Now, it’s something that’s going to be stuck in her mind forever.

 

The hallways are empty at the moment, and with no where else to go- it’s far too late to even consider going anywhere- she crashes against the wall, slumping down with her knees up to her chest, resting her arms on top. Without getting the chance to double-check her thinking or options, her mind drifts off, her eyes feel heavy as if someone’s stepping on them, and she falls asleep.

 

This art project is supposed to be worth fifteen percent of her mark for this semester, she needs to get it done. Props to her brunette friend for having some sex with a guy that’s going to study something about Medicine- excuse her incompetent knowledge in the medical field- and completely forgetting that her artistic roommate required a peaceful environment to work. That is _definitely_ not a peaceful environment in general.

 

Emma’s off in her own world, her mind greasing and grinding out more ideas while she’s sleeping than when she’s awake and aware of her surroundings. That is, until a certain someone decides to disrupt her rather peaceful sleep with shaking her shoulder and calling her name. Except, that accent is certainly familiar, and so is this smell she’s wafting into her nose by accident. Her eyes crack open, trying to take in the light, and the person standing in front of her.

 

Ugh, Killian Jones, architectural student who has cocky behaviour and can get about every girl on campus, is standing in front of her with a… concerned look.

 

“Fuck off, Jones,” she hisses, rubbing her eyes.

 

“Why so hostile, darling?” he drawls, frowning. “And if you don’t mind me asking, why in the world are you out in the hallway sleeping instead of being in your dorm?”

 

“To think you would have heard the noises from next door,” she grumbles, banging her head on the wall. “Ruby and Victor were at it. Again.”

 

He sighs, probably of relief- and how does she know this? Killian offers her a hand, and instead of being a complete asshole, she decides to take it as he pulls her up and off the floor.

 

Her neck is sore, her back hurts like hell from leaning against a wall for like seven hours, and her brain is half-awake at the moment, trying to take in everything at once. At first, she thinks it’s a good idea to go into the room, but knowing Ruby and Victor, she knows they’re still in there probably in bed like the complete unintentional jerks they are, and that sets her on edge. She can’t just walk in and not expect naked people to be laying in bed after something as vicious as last nights events.

 

“Swan, do you have any classes today?”

 

Thinking about it, she shakes her head. “Not today. I have to work on my project which was rudely interrupted by the two that are still probably worn out from… those exhausting activities,” she starts from something strong to murmuring, running a hand over her face. “To hell with it. I’m not in the mood to deal with either of them for completely screwing over my plans,” she mutters.

 

“If you’d like, you may retire to my bed and get some rest until the two of them are gone,” he offers genuinely.

 

Although Killian Jones is a smug bastard himself, she knows him well enough to know when he’s being sincere and not being a flirtatious jerk who makes an innuendo out of every statement she makes. Considering his offer however, it is outrageously tempting as she reluctantly nods. He grins and cocks his head to the side, letting her go first.

 

“To think you’d try to get me into your bed by doing something far more infuriating,” she teases, grabbing the door knob and pushing the door open.

 

“Who do you take me as, love?” he asks, closing the door behind him. “Left bed, by the way.”

 

She nods and falls onto his bed, the feeling of a mattress makes her sigh of relief and contentment. “I don’t know.” She rids herself of her shoes and swings her legs up. “We’ve known each other for three years, you always have some ulterior motive behind your back when you try helping me.”

 

He chuckles, dropping down in his chair. “Have you ever considered that I was just trying to be helpful?”

 

“Thanks for changing my perspective on you three years later,” she jokes, letting her slide close. She takes in the smell of him, everything of him on his bed. His sheets, the pillow, the bed itself. Having Killian live in the dorm next to her sometimes helps. Except when she’s in the most foul mood ever. Which is now. But he offered her his bed. “Help me now,” she grunts, gritting her teeth at the thought of two very occupied people in bed.

 

“You know I was going to go get myself some coffee, until I noticed a rather vexed Emma Swan who appeared dead against the wall,” he says, leaning back in the chair. “Tell you what,” he breathes out, “I shall aid you in your art project, if you go out and have coffee with me.”

 

She stops breathing. For a second.

 

After Neal had let her down and had been arrested for stolen goods and trafficking of drugs, she was giving up. After the entire… hoax with Walsh a year ago, finally recovering from the stupid heartbreak she was feeling, she’s still yet to think about considering dating another guy. “I don’t need any help,” she quietly responds, feeling as if her throat had turned dry. It’s a topic she avoids talking about.

 

“Swan?”

 

Letting out a shaky breath, she turns her head and glares at him. “What?” It comes out sounding more harsh than intended.

 

“I’m sorry for asking, it was a rather bold request,” he tells her, his tone of voice soft and real.

 

“No, it’s fine.” Turning onto her side, it’s an attempt to make very little eye contact after noticing the sympathy in his eyes- no, she _can’t_ get into anything. “I just- I never had a good record with dates and relationships,” she murmurs, “nor do I intend to date again. Not after what I’ve been through.”

 

“I understand.”

 

She sighs, her hand clenching into a fist at her chest. “Thanks, Killian.”

 

At some point, she falls asleep rather cluelessly, and all she remembers is the sound of the door clicking from him leaving. After that conversation, memories of her difficult past start showing up in her mind again, making her wake up in a gasp. _Get a grip_ , she tells herself, letting her head drop back against his pillow. She shouldn’t let a simple talk like that make her break down. She refuses to let such a weakness and vulnerability show through.

 

She’s just about to leave and go check if Ruby and Victor have left yet, but of course he saunters in right at that moment with two cups of Starbucks. She knows one is for her. And since she sort of owes it to him for letting her get a big of sleep on his bed, she takes the cup out of his hand and sits down on the bed. For a bit, they don't really talk, at least not until he decides to ask about what her project is about.

 

"I have to find song lyrics or something like that and recreate it into my own interpretation," she briefly explains, sipping on her coffee. "And I've had real shit luck at the moment with inspiration." She sighs, shaking her head. "Last night was supposed to be the night I pull an all-nighter on gathering ideas," she mutters.

 

Killian hums as if he's thinking, nodding to himself. "Well, have you considered listening to songs of all genres? Perhaps more diversity will help," he suggest, placing his cup down. "And if you still cannot find any inspiration, I shall help you to the best of my abilities without anything in return."

 

"You're being awfully generous," she says suspiciously, "why?"

 

"Being a good friend?"

 

She laughs. "Huh, very plausible reason, Jones."

 

"Aye, because it is the truth." He shrugs. "When's your project due?"

 

"End of the month, which is like..." She thinks about the date at the moment, and she groans. "Two weeks from now.” Emma groans, huffing out a breath.

 

“No worries, Swan. I’ve got your back on this one.”

 

“Thanks, but don’t you have your own projects to do?” she asks. “I mean, you can’t be possibly free to help a friend to _this_ extent.”

 

“You’re right, I do have my own project to do. Which is already ninety percent done of course,” he answers, stretching his legs out. “Which leaves me with a hell of a lot leisure time when I’m not in class.”

 

“You’ve got to be joking. How do you do your projects so fast?”

 

Chuckling, he stands up and grabs his cup to throw in the garbage. “Secrets are secrets, darling.”

 

The door swings open with a David standing there. “He- Woah, what did I just walk into?” he asks.

 

“A conversation about projects,” she mumbles, finishing her coffee. “I’d assume you were with Mary Margaret last night?”

 

“Yeah… I was.”

 

_Lucky you._ “Well, I think I’ll be going to check if… Ruby and Victor are still there,” she says, throwing her cup in the garbage. “I’ll talk to you two later.”

 

And with that, she speeds out the room to avoid any more awkward conversations with either of them. Especially with David who can be quick to assume things that are very unlikely, but seems to be that way when he approaches the situation at first sight. Taking a few steps to her left, she cautiously knocks on the door, and she can hear a pair of voices inside. She rolls her eyes right when the doors open up with a slightly embarrassed looking Ruby.

 

“Oh, Emma, uh- sorry about last night,” she tries to apologize.

 

“You know what? Let me just… grab my stuff and I’ll go to David and Killian’s for a bit while you two sort out whatever,” she says, slipping past her and quickly reaching for her sketchbook, pencil, eraser and her trusty laptop. “I’ll see you tonight, or yeah- tonight.”

 

Avoiding all possible awkward contact for the second time already, she closes the door behind her quickly and then knocks on Killian’s dorm again.

 

“Swan? Back so early for me, love?”

 

Everything’s about him, she’s not even going to wonder about the things that go on in his mind while he makes such comments. “Shut up,” she mutters, slipping past him. “Those idiots are still in there, and I just grabbed my stuff and made a run for it.”

 

“Might as well have you live with me from now on,” he jokes, letting her in. “Have you ever considered maybe renting an actual apartment of the sorts instead of living in a dormitory? Saves you a lot more trouble from situations like… _that_ you find yourself in,” Killian suggests. “Probably cheaper too.”

 

“Me and Mary Margaret are actually considering that,” David chimes in, “so you can stay here for as long as you need if Vic and Ruby are going at it as often as you say they are.”

 

“Trust me, they are going at it a lot, you might as well consider it a sin,” she quips, placing her laptop onto the desk. “They’re great friends and all, but I really don’t know how much longer I can deal with their shit.” Usually she doesn’t complain about her friends, but with this project worth so much for her final mark, she’s just been really on edge and stressed out about it.

 

“Well, Mary Margaret’s roommate just dropped out, so I’m probably going to be spending time with her instead. You can stay here in my bed for awhile if you’d like,” David offers, grabbing his own possessions and stuffing it in his bag. “That is if you don’t mind dealing with Jones, who’s actually not as bad as I thought for having a roommate.”

 

“Thank you for your compliment, mate,” Killian responds, popping the ‘t.’

 

“I’ve been with worst,” she murmurs (implying Walsh and Neal), throwing her sketchbook on the bed. “I think I can undoubtedly deal with him for now. At least until he starts singing in the morning or something stupid.”

 

“For the record, Swan, I can sing.”

 

“For the love of _god_ ,” she whispers under her breath, pinching the bridge of her nose at the news of him being able to sing. “You better be at least _half_ -decent if you want to sing around me… Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to zone out.”

 

David laughs. “Well,” he starts, “I’ll see you two later,” David says, leaving them to themselves.

 

Ignoring Killian has never been harder in her life. Yes, she’s done so for three years straight, but he’s focusing on his own project- _finishing_ it, probably- while she’s staring down at lyrics at the songs she’s listening to from the very beginning. Her eyes seem to drift from the screen in front of her, to her sketchbook, then straight to a very busy Killian Jones leaning against the wall with his pen moving swiftly across the paper in front of him. If she has to be honest, he’s one of the most talented architectural-artistic students she’s ever known, let alone seen.

 

He has a big imagination as well, he’s good with numbers, he’s good with designing, and he’s… good with the ladies. Except, through the three years of knowing him, he’s never tried having a serious relationship with a girl, let alone have one night stands or anything of the sort. It does surprise her, because Emma’s not _blind_ , he is an appealing man, attractive with his leather jacket, his swept hair, and his drowning blue eyes. She’s not blind to know he’s hot. Even Ruby, who’s dating Victor, claims Killian is a walking magnet.

 

And to be honest, she’d be lying if she never thought about making liking him a bit more than a friend. However, she’s not willing to jump back into relationships, not after the ridiculous amount of lies Walsh had been keeping from her, and then the possibility of a heavy letdown with the way Neal had done with her. It’s just not her thing, perhaps her life is just to be alone, to _not_ go into dating and boyfriends and stuff like that. It’s highly probable that it’s not the style of life meant for her, and by all means, she’s gotten that message loud and clear now.

 

Meanwhile, Ships In The Night by Mat Kearney starts playing and something sparks inside of her. Immediately, she jots down the notes into her sketchbook, also making a small thumbnail image beside it in case she wants to follow through with it.

 

“An idea there, love?”

 

She nearly jumps out of the chair because she’s so caught up in her own business. “Uh, yeah,” she stammers, pausing the song at the chorus. “I feel confident that this is the one,” she says, pulling the earphones out of her ears.

 

He pulls the other chair down next to her. “Talk.”

 

“Okay, so…”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opinions?


	2. Chapter 2

_And if it all goes crashing into the sea_

_if it’s just you and me_

_trying to find the light_

_like ships in the night_

**ships in the night by mat kearney**

* * *

“So you want to do something with illustrating these two lost ships trying to find the ‘light,’ am I correct?”

 

She nods. “Yeah, something like that. Not literally of course, but something of the concept.”

 

“Bloody brilliant, love. All that’s left is to plan the remaining out, and you can get started.” He spins the pen with his fingers- he’s apparently really good at doing that when he’s bored or just wants to play with his pen. “What medium are you using for this project?”

 

“Thanks, and I was thinking watercolour or acrylic paint.” She shrugs, rolling her shoulders. “Still debating though.”

 

“I’d lean more toward watercolour,” he supplies his opinion, “however that is up to you.”

 

“I’ll consider it,” she says quietly.

 

Compliments mean the world to her nowadays, especially when it comes from someone who actually means it. After the entire thing with Walsh- who was _never_ supportive of her artistic endeavors apparently- she didn’t have much self-esteem on her works. She never believed in herself, and if it wasn’t for David, Ruby and Killian, she’d probably be on the streets in all her horrible glory.

 

Her sheet of paper in the sketchbook is made of messy scribbles from both her and Killian, and it warms her a little bit. He wasn’t kidding about the helping part, not that she was doubting him that much. She’s good at calling out a liar, and a while back, he wasn’t technically lying about the entire “I’m going to be a good friend and help you out” thing.

 

She glances at the time at the bottom right of her laptop. 4:41 PM. When did time go by that fast?

 

“Hey,” he says softly. “You okay?”

 

“Yeah. I’m fine,” she answers, stretching her neck. “I just didn’t realize time had gone by that fast today.”

 

He chuckles. “Indeed, you’re right.”

 

His laughs always make her happy somehow, just _somehow_ , but she’s not willing to diverge deeper into these observations. She doesn’t like being let down, she doesn’t want her heart to be broken a third time, she doesn’t want to ruin a perfectly good relationship with Killian. If she lets these emotions break through her, it’ll distract her and will probably drag her down to the depths of her troubles again- somewhere she’s not wanting to visit.

 

Let’s just say that she wasn’t exactly in the light after Neal and Walsh. Everything was just nothing to her by that point. But, she was saved, luckily.

 

All these resurfacing memories, nightmares, hell-like thoughts are pulling her into a trance, at least for awhile she’s able to keep her mind off of it while Killian helps her with her ideas. But running, running away from these things are just merely impossible. There are just some thing she can’t run from, like pain and sorrow, loneliness and abandonment. The things that have bothered and burdened her entire life from the very beginning. Engraved harm and scars that never fade away.

 

She closes her eyes and lets out a small breath to calm her nerves.

 

_“I’ve never really supported your art, Emma. I mean, how are you going to find a job?”_

_She really wants to punch him straight in the jaw and just run. And of course, she’s holding back tears because she cannot cry in front of him like this. She’s being strong and realistic here, she’s not going to show him her vulnerability._

_Giving her heart to him, to trust him was a horrible idea. It leads exactly to this. Heartbreak. Struggles and trouble, frustration and confusion, a sense in losing your navigation through life. “Screw off, Walsh,” she hisses, pushing him away. “I thought I could trust you, but you’re exactly the opposite of who I thought you were. You’re a damn liar,” she says, raising her voice with every word. “I’ll find a job regardless of what you say.” Her voice cracks._

_She doesn’t know if she’ll honestly find a job being an artist._

 

“Emma?”

 

Her eyes dart open at the familiar accented voice. He never uses her first name. And when he does, it’s only in the most serious of situations.

 

“You blanked out on me there, love. Is there something bothering you?” he asks, his hand moving up to rest on her shoulder.

 

She nearly flinches at his touch. Nearly. “Nothing, I’m fine,” she responds, a little bit too quick though. “I just remembered something from before.”

 

He nods. “Whatever you say. But you do know you can discuss anything with me, right, lass?”

 

“I know, Killian.” She sighs. “I know.”

 

She can feel her face turn into a frown slowly, her mood turning immediately sombre and lost once again. She can trust Killian, which is not surprising considering how he’s helped her a lot within the past three years, but she just can’t talk to him about this stuff. This is a problem- _her_ problem. She bottles up emotions, thoughts and everything else possible, making it hard for others to ever really bond with her when they try to. In this case, it’s her fault. She’s the one pulling away from him, refusing to ever put such a load on his shoulders.

 

He has a bright future ahead of him, she doesn’t want to be the reason of his downfall or any of his problems. It’s the last thing on her mind for him. Although he can be a real dick to her sometimes, she’s still very thankful for the fact he’s been a supportive friend from the start. Flirting and innuendos aside, he’s genuine and real. Smug smirks and bad boy behaviour aside, he’s cooperative and hardworking for what comes for him. He does things; he fights for what he wants.

 

He’s more than she’s ever deserved.

 

Suddenly, the phone in her pocket goes off, making her jolt upwards. Reaching into her back pocket, she looks at the bright screen.

 

Not exactly the person she expects.

 

She doesn’t answer the call, but slips the phone back in her pocket as Killian eyes her suspiciously. _That’s right,_ she thinks, _he reads me like an open book._ Without a second thought, she closes her laptop and sketchbook now, setting it aside for later.

 

“Who was it?”

 

“No one,” she mutters, climbing into David’s bed.

 

“That means it was someone.”

 

“Not the time to pry, Jones,” she warns him.

 

He sighs and nods. “Apologies, lass.”

 

The rest of the afternoon consists of mostly silence and a couple of exchanged words. The person who called her has not stopped yet, and she’s just about to chuck that thing across the room if she needs to. It’s not until Killian starts getting annoyed with her distant behaviour does he steal her phone- he noticed the amount of times she had checked her phone over time. She doesn’t even bother stopping him from taking it from her, because he’s going to figure out at some point, whether it be by rumours or by her telling him the truth.

 

It’s exactly the reason of why she hates fucking relationships. Sometimes, collateral damage just becomes her reality, and that’s precisely the reason of why she hates it. She hates it when things spiral out of her control, where she’ll no longer be able to make a proper decision, where she’ll no longer be able to not take offense to words being yelled accusingly at her, where she’ll no longer be able to stand stably, but has to run away and go into solitude before she breaks down. And the problem here is, Killian knows this stuff, he’s seen it happen, he’s _been_ with her when she happened with Walsh.

 

He drops the phone on the table with a loud bang, shaking his head as he stares her down. “Why did you not tell me about this?” he inquires, perching down on the edge of the bed.

 

“Because I didn’t feel like I should,” she answers.

 

Killian exhales a breath. “You _should’ve_. He’s calling you, love. How did he even get your phone number in the first place?”

 

“That, I have no clue,” she mumbles, clenching her eyes shut at the thought. How does one get a phone number like that? Connections with others probably. But very little people have her number, and it consists of her closest friends; closest friends that would never betray her. “My life never goes by without a problem popping up one way or another,” she complains and then purses her lips together in frustration.

 

“Do you know what he wants from you?” he asks.

 

“Nope.” She scrubs a hand over her face. “Unless he wants to get back together, which is never going to happen. I really have no clue what’s going on in that mind of his, I thought I made it clear that we weren’t ever going to work,” she says.

 

And she’s admitting all this to Killian. Burdening him with more than she should. But it’s tumbling all out of her mouth anyways, he knows the truth, he’s probably not going to step away, which means he’s in this for the long haul. Again.

 

“I’ve yet to see you fail, Swan. You’ll figure it out in due time,” he encourages. “And of course, you’ve got me, the man with the dashing good looks.”

 

She laughs. “I guess. Thanks, Killian.”

 

“Was that an indirect confirmation from Emma Swan that I’m good looking?” he taunts, his fingers brushing against her hand. “That’s quite new for you, darling.”

 

“You know you’re good looking, do you need me to really confirm that you are?”

 

“No,” he says, “but perhaps I just like hearing it from you.”

 

Her eyes snap open, her heart clenches, her chest tightens, the butterflies she hasn’t felt for a year return in full force. He makes her smile and laugh, he makes her angry and frustrated. He makes her feel cared for, he encourages her with all of his own heart. Why hasn’t she realized this earlier? She’s definitely attracted to him, and with Walsh trying to bust his own ass back into her life, her old, but resurfacing fresh feelings for Killian are threatening to take over her.

 

Forcing a smile, she shakes her head at how much he flirts. “You’re good looking, alright?” For now, she can’t do anything. She doesn’t want to risk it. She doesn’t want to fall for him like this, it’s just probably a temporary infatuation for all she knows. A friendship, a _good_ friendship is not worth her screwing it up because of some emotions.

 

“Ah, you have enlightened me for the day, love.”

 

“For the day? Are you implying that I need to say that everyday now?”

 

“Perhaps…”

 

Emma rolls her eyes. “You’re incorrigible, Jones.”

 

A bright smile forms on his face as he laughs. Although she’s in bed, she knees him in the back carefully- not too hard- which makes him stumble forward off the edge of the bed. Keeping the welling laughter inside of her in, she rolls onto her side.

 

“I’ll take that as a warning then,” he mumbles, flicking the light on. “It’s getting rather late.” He peeks out the window.

 

“Yeah. And warm.”

 

He nods. “Summer is in a little over a month. Are we doing that cottage thing again this year?”

 

“I think.” She props herself on her elbows. “We’d have to ask Ruby, who’d have to call Elsa, who’d have to ask Anna,” she explains. It’s literally a snowball of people to ask.

 

“Ah, that’s right. The sisters. Well, it’d be a nice getaway from all our educational stress,” he says.

 

“Last year was a mess though,” she mutters, recalling when they jumped into the really freezing cold water that surely made her nearly fall to the ground.

 

They’re probably thinking about the same thing as they both glare at each other with the same look. He smiles, and so does she, and oh- here comes the flutters in her stomach again. Ignoring this is going to be more difficult than she had anticipated, but if it means keeping her close friendship with him, then she is willing to go through the troubles of shoving the thought of it to the back of her brain.

 

“Shall we go grab something for dinner? Coffee does not supplement our needs for the day, love.” And there’s that of course. She’s barely eaten the entire day, not really noticing any hunger in light.

 

She nods. “Yeah, sure.” Now, she’s far more aware with the way he says ‘love’ to her, and it’s not good. She’s never really paid attention to the pet names, but it’s there, and it’s _very_ evident to her.

 

Punch her in the gut, but she’s falling into something far more worse than she’s expected. And she’s the one who’s gone through heartbreak a deadly two times. She’s the one who should have her walls super high, where no one can penetrate them. But clearly, Killian can, and he already _has_ because she trusts him more than anyone. Which is weird, because she doesn’t remember ever putting up with any of his shit from before. Just how exactly did he do it without her even properly noticing it? Not that it’s a bad thing to her of course, it’s just she’s being overly cautious.

 

He feels herself stirring as she walks alongside him, strolling down campus to head over to the nearby diner to get some food to settle their stomachs. If Killian notices that she’s still acting a little bit off, he doesn’t question, and she’s eternally grateful that he doesn’t. She’s not ready to come in terms with her dumb feelings that probably won’t last longer than a week; at least she thinks they won’t last longer than a week.

 

It’s a bad deduction she’s already made about her own emotions, but knowing Emma Swan, _being_ Emma Swan, she knows well enough she’s not ready. But then, there’s something nagging her about the way he acts toward her differently compared to many of the other girls he’s come across. Everything is making itself clear, and it’s way too painfully clear for her to handle. She’s tapping her fingers impatiently on the table as they wait for their food.

 

And when the food does come, she immediately digs into it- mannerly of course- to avoid conversations. Except, typically you’re supposed to actually hold conversations when eating, and she’s not the one who wants to actually talk at the moment.

 

“Spill it, lass,” he demands quite blatantly. “You’ve been on edge for the past half hour. What’s wrong?”

 

“Something dumb,” she mumbles as she takes a drink from her hot cocoa. “Like, really pointless.” _It’s not pointless, it’s a sign, it’s a god damn attraction that’s beating me down._ Except she’s unable to say that of course.

 

“When you insist something is pointless,” he says, popping a fry into his mouth, “it’s quite the contrary.”

 

“Am I seriously that easy to read?”

 

“When I’ve known you for this long, yes, indeed you are easy to read,” he tells her, taking a sip from his drink. “It’s about that buggering Walsh, isn’t it?”

 

She sighs, shrugging. “Sort of, I guess.”

 

“You’re going to be fine, Swan,” he assures her, smiling while he says it. “Try something new, darling, it’s called trust. And if you trust me and all the others around that care for you, then you’ll be as safe as a babe in their crib.”

 

“Sometimes they can climb out,” she mutters.

 

“Don’t be such a pessimist, love.”

 

“When you’re me, these wounds and issues tend to linger far longer than you want them to.”

 

“I know.”

 

“And how would you know?” she asks, the curiosity getting the best of her.

 

He glances away out the window they’re sitting beside. “I’ve lost a love once too. Was a long time ago, but I know how the pain never really does subside when you’d like it to.” He looks back at her, and she notices the flash of pain, there’s no longer a bright blue, but something neutral. “Or when the feelings have resurfaced, but you’re cautious and reluctant on ever wanting to act on them because of fear,” he continues.

 

“Read me straight from the book,” she murmurs, finishing off her food. “And it then feels like hell when you feel hopeless.” But, she does wonder what he means by resurfacing feelings. Does he like someone? Hell, it’s just a mere, probably irrational observation.

 

“Aye.” He chugs the rest of his water down. “It’s a bad feeling. But you learn to bear it- to overcome it at some point,” he says, “and I have faith that you can overcome your own pain.”

 

“You might as well be my therapist,” she quips, finishing her hot cocoa. “You know everything about me by this point, and you’ve continued to support me like this from the beginning. Though, I was never really fond of all your jokes when we first met.”

 

“You know me, love.” He smiles, and the usual blue in his eyes returned. “Split the bill?”

 

“Yeah.” It’s a thing she likes about him. He never insists on paying for her, and in return, neither does she. Instead, the both of them does the equal work, and that is another reason why Killian is far more than she deserves from any man. “I think I’m going to have to work off all that fat I’ve gained from the food,” she mumbles under her breath, slipping out of the booth.

 

“Nonsense,” he exclaims, “you’re beautiful no matter what, love. Needless to say, you aren’t fat either.”

 

“Wow, you’re being really nice to me today and I don’t know why.” She brings her hands up in her defense. “Not that I’m complaining,” she adds on.

 

“A friendly reminder that I am your neighbourly gentleman.”

 

“Fancy as always, Jones.”

 

“Anything for you, m’lady.” He winks.

 

He winked at her. She takes in a sharp breath before she smiles and smacks him playfully on the arm. “This act is going far more seriously than expected.”

 

When they get back to the dorm, her phone has another load of messages and calls from Walsh, and then some from Ruby and Mary Margaret. She deletes everything from Walsh of course, at least until she accidentally presses play on the voicemail. Killian spins around at the sound, but she quickly closes it and gets rid of it.

 

"Woops," she murmurs.

 

Checking on Ruby's messages are mostly apologies and the asking of her whereabouts.

 

_calm yourself, Ruby. i’m rooming with Killian for awhile_

 

Not a second later, her phone buzzes.

 

_**wait, what?! but that’s literally like two steps away from our dorm** _

 

**_oh, and killian? what about david?_ **

 

_David is with MM. after last night, i think i’ll stick to a room where i know it’ll be quiet for working on my project. he even helped me_

 

_**oooooooooooooh. well, sorry.** _

 

_i know you are._

 

_**well good luck with killian** _

 

_why? he’s perfectly tolerable… sometimes_

 

_**you know it seems like he likes you.** _

 

_as a friend? yeah_

 

_**more than that. look, Emma, he offers you his room, you’re alone with him, he’s helping you with your project. doesn’t that seem more than friends?** _

 

_uh, no not really_

 

_**think about it Em** _

__

_no thank you._

 

_**you can’t keep living in the past. if you want my input, i think Killian’s the perfect guy for you. trust me.** _

 

_**if he likes you, he won’t stop liking you until you reciprocate the feelings. but i think you already do like him soooooo...** _

 

It takes her a couple of seconds to consider what Ruby’s saying. She glances over her shoulder at Killian, and he’s typing away on his laptop in bed. _Trust me_. Trust- that’s a problem. She can trust her, but… there’s still self-doubt within her. And that’s an issue for another day.

 

_shut up. i don’t need you to tell me how i feel. i’d know if i like him or not._

 

**_im telling you my observations, girl. it’s probably accurate too._ **

 

To be frank, there’s a chance she does like him, and it’s scaring the living shit out of her. Ruby’s sort of right, but Emma’s not willing to take her risk.

 

_ttyl._

 

_**this conversation isn’t over!** _

__

She places her phone on the table. “I’ll be back. I need to get some stuff from next door,” she mumbles as she heads out. While she knows Ruby is possibly in there, she takes the risk anyways and swings the door open.

 

The lights are off, and the room is clean and empty. _Thank god_ , she thinks, going over to her side of the room, grabbing some stuff and stuffing it into her bag. Books, clothes and enough to last for another week or two go with her into Killian’s dorm. He eyes her the entire time, and she can feel the burning gaze on the back of her head.

 

“What’re you staring at, Jones?” she asks, keeping herself occupied with the book she pulls out.

 

“Nothing, really.” He’s not lying. “But Emma Swan being my new roommate- temporarily- stuns me, love.”

 

 _Two can play at that game_ , she thinks. “So I make you speechless? That’s new.”

 

“Not new,” he mutters.

 

She doesn’t catch that on time, instead she turns around to look at him. “What?”

 

“Nothing,” he responds, smiling at her.

 

Instead of asking again, because she realizes he’s lying, she just rolls her eyes and grabs her toothbrush and toothpaste. With that, she heads off into the washroom, and the entire time she brushes her teeth, her mind is set on a couple of things. Particularly things that she _doesn’t_ actually want to shed light on, things she tends to run away from; feelings, the truth, false hope. Given that she never had a good start in life, being the orphan she is, it’s always been hard for her to really work at it. To do something, find her passion, and now that she has, even after two heartbreaks, she’s still trying. Trying and failing, but something keeps her going.

 

And although she’s not going to probably ever admit it, Killian is the one person who keeps her going. He’s the one who believes in her, _encourages_ her more than anyone. She’ll never think past that though, and because of this barricade she’s already put up, it’s keeping out more than what she’s keeping in.

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

_And all of the noise I hear inside_

_restless and loud, unspoken and wild_

_and all that you need to say_

_to make it all go away_

_is that you feel the same way too_

**the words by christina perri**

 

* * *

 

 

“Ruby I swear to god if you tell Regina I’m rooming with Killian, I’m going to shout that you two had the loudest sex the other night,” she hisses at her, pointing her finger at Ruby. “And when Emma Swan promises something like that, it’s _going_ to be done in the end.”

 

“Sorry, Emma, but it’s big news! You two have been good friends for three years, and there’s some serious tension between the two of you,” Ruby claims, sipping on her drink. “It’s not like you’re dating him… right?”

 

“Exactly, I’m not dating him, so why bother telling her? You know it’s going to be a total mess of matchmaking and shit that I’m not going to be willing to put up with,” Emma protests, giving her stand point on the entire thing.

 

“Emma,” Ruby whines, “I’m telling you now that Killian likes you _more_ than a friend.”

 

“So I’ve been told like ten times already,” she mutters in response, throwing her cup in the trash. “Stop it, dude. I’m seriously not going to talk about Killian like this.” She sighs, stretching her legs out. “If he wants to talk about it, he can do it on his own pace. He did ask me out the other day, but I told him no.”

 

“What? Why?”

 

“Ruby, I told you. I’m not looking for a boyfriend, let alone date someone at all. Everything’s still a fresh as a new cut,” she tells her.

 

Ruby kicks her foot. “You know he’s different from your ex’s.”

 

“I know, but that’s the thing. I can’t risk being wrong about him.”

 

“But if you never risk it, how are you ever going to find out?” Valid point. “Give him a chance. If it doesn’t work out, you two can still remain friends. I mean, your current friendship is like… flawless. A simple opportunity like this can’t be skipped out on.

 

“He’s been there when you and Walsh broke it, he was the one who insisted on taking you out to take your mind off of him. He’s been there to just piss you off because he finds it funny, and secretly you do too. He’s been there when you didn’t know what to do for art, or when you needed a second opinion or criticism from someone majoring in a similar field. He’s been there when you needed someone the most. How can you not just let him try? That is if he does like you.

 

“Look, I know you might think it’s crazy, but it’s worth the shot, Emma. Think about it. It’s time for you to _try_.”

 

Everything Ruby said is true, and it’s nagging her even more because it is the truth. Everything. From beginning to end, it’s always been him somehow, and she’s never really tried thinking about it from a different perspective. “Fine, I’ll consider it,” she mutters, grabbing her bag and slinging it around her shoulder. “I gotta go. I need to work on my project.” _With Killian._ “See you later.”

 

Quickly, she rushes out without getting to hear her say goodbye. Now, it’s just really pissing her off because the truth is there in front of her, but being her stubborn little self, she’s refusing to believe it, nor give him the chance. To be quite honest, it’s going to take her awhile to develop these feelings that are clearly beneath that layer of discarded relationships status. She’s been disengaged with the total thing, but when she’s seen MM and David together, she wonders about how they do it.

 

To think her life couldn’t get any worse, she catches a glance of a familiar car parked. Her first reaction? _Run_ \- run far. But she can’t bail on Killian, because he’s waiting for her most likely, and she’s not going to be punctual now if that car is exactly who she thinks it is. Fumbling with her phone, she dials Killian immediately.

 

“Swan?”

 

She grumbles, “Help me.”

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“If i’m not incorrect, Walsh’s car is outside and I’m not going in there if he’s looking for me.” She sighs. “Check the hallway for me, please.”

 

She can listen to him open the door. “He’s approaching,” he mumbles.

 

“Please get out of there and find me, I’m by the fountain. I have one plan in mind,” she says quickly, not having enough time to think. Fake dating. It’s the only thing that’s sure to fend Walsh off for now.

 

“I’m on my way,” he claims. “I’ll find you in a bit, love. Don’t worry.”

 

“Thanks.”

 

“Keep talking, I need to seem as if I’m too busy to talk to him, otherwise he’ll ask me about you.”

 

“Okay, uh. How’s your project coming along? I haven’t actually seen your work in progress yet,” she says, trying to stall time, tapping her foot impatiently. “Let me guess, are you done it?”

 

He laughs. “Aye. I finished earlier today, and I’ll be honoured to show you it afterwards.”

 

“Sounds great.”

 

“Okay, I’m out.”

 

From that, she glances up from the floor, her eyes locking with Killian’s immediately. He hangs up, and so does she. He’s pacing forward quickly though, his hands stuffed in his leather jacket pockets.

 

“I can’t believe it,” she mutters, watching him take his seat next to her. “Why?”

 

“He came bearing gifts, Swan,” he notifies her, “or something of the sorts. He did not come empty handed, and I was lucky he didn’t backtrack and notice me. He probably wants to make it up to you somehow, ridiculous bloody git he is.”

 

“Shit, I forgot he’s seen you before.” Another issue to be wary of, fan-fucking-tastic, right? “Murder me now and let me forget everything that’s happening,” she complains, letting her head drop into her hands.

 

“Aw, Swan, you said you had a plan earlier. What was it?”

 

“Well I can’t camp out here forever, and the only thing he’d believe is… uh, fake dating,” she comments, her voice going soft at the end.

 

He shrugs casually. “So be it. We know each other well enough, it should be no difficult task to act on.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

Killian nods, beaming a smile. “Aye. I am.”

 

“Okay.” She puffs out a breath of relief. But by no means is she ready for this herself. “Let’s establish minor details then. When did we start?”

 

“Three weeks ago. I confessed I liked you, and that you were quite the stubborn woman you were and tried ignoring me, but you caved after my endless attempts.”

 

She groans. “Well thanks for putting me on the spot.”

 

“Sorry, but it sounds reasonable to say, doesn’t it, lass?” he questions,

 

“You’re right. I’m stubborn, and that would probably happen honestly.” She watches some people pass by them, and it temporarily distracts her for a second. “Anyways, PDA?”

 

“I promise I won’t do anything dumb, Swan. Not without your consent of course,” he promises her. “Now, let’s go kick that man out.”

 

“You make it sound easy.”

 

He hums. “Because it will be.” With that, he pulls her by the hand, interlacing their fingers, and when she glares at him, he just winks, with that sort of assurance that warms her.

 

She doesn’t completely shut out the feeling flooding her entire body- the quickened pace of her heart thumping upon her chest, or the exhilarating blood going through her veins. Walsh was- is- a douche, and now she’s going to prove to him that she’s perfectly fine without him, even if it means having to play a game with him. A game she’s been hesitant on the moment she thought of it, but she trusts him. Killian. She can trust him.

 

The entire time they walk hand in hand, it’s a smile she can’t keep away, a fight she can’t win, a war she can’t be victorious in. But, the closer they get to their dorms, the more she starts to freak out inside, and Killian must notice her being tense because he squeezes her hand gently, and whispers, “It’ll be fine” to her. It helps. A little.

 

And dear god if Ruby noticed them walking with their hands together, she’s going to get an earful about it. Perhaps not telling Ruby, or just completely ignoring the idea of even thinking about Walsh, had been a bad idea from the start, just like Killian said. Ruby’s always been on the fuck-off-Walsh club, so if she were to tell her any time soon, it would mean her yelling and screaming nonsense at her. Now _that_ is not something she wants to experience.

 

“I can’t promise I won’t punch him in the face for hurting you,” Killian whispers in her ear.

 

It makes her chuckle and shake her head. “I won’t stop you. But if you get suspended or expelled, that is not my fault,” she responds.

 

And then when they start to approach the very obvious figure in front of her dorm, she starts to internally panic in all sorts of ways. Her head pounds, she feels like she’s going to sweat, and she blinks.

 

“ _Emma_.” He stops for a second. “Relax.”

 

The lack of using the pet names makes her calmer, to know he’s going to take it seriously and will help her no matter what. “Okay.” She nods. “Okay.”

 

“Em- Who’s this?” Walsh asks, approaching the two of them.

 

“My boyfriend. I’m sure you remember him, Walsh, you’ve met him once or twice I think,” she explains, keeping her voice as stable as possible.

 

“Interesting,” he responds quietly. “He is familiar.”

 

“Yes, because he’s the one guy who has never let me down before,” she retorts, her fingers tightening around Killian’s hand. “What’re you doing here?”

 

“You never answered your phone, so I thought I’d drop by,” he answers. “I-uh, didn’t know you were dating someone else. I was thinking we could sort of fix what we had.”

 

She scoffs. “Fix it? Walsh, you put me down like I was _nothing_. I told you quite clearly that we weren’t going to ever work, so why in the world did you think coming back, with… whatever you’re holding, is going to get me back?” She’s almost yelling now, really close to it, and she doesn’t want to cause an entire scene. “Rekindling anything between us is false and unrealistic, I’m sorry to say that, but we’re _really_ over, and I’m happier with Killian than I am with you. Let alone returning a year later, asshole.”

 

“Asshole? I was _trying_ , Emma! I thought we were _happy_.” he exclaims.

 

“Mate, I wield an iron fist, and from what I know, which is quite about everything, I suggest you sod off,” Killian interjects, his words probably sting Walsh. “She wasn’t satisfied with you, and things have been long done between you two already. She’s mine now, and I intend to treat her much better than how you did.”

 

She wants to run. He thought they were happy? In some ways, yes, but it never lasted long enough to mean anything to her anymore.

 

“Yeah, well good luck with that. As you can tell, she’s not an easy person to love,” Walsh retorts, his eyes full of anger.

 

She’s going to throw a real tantrum now. “Fuck you, Walsh,” she hisses angrily at him. “Fuck you and your lies, everything you’ve done. Every scar you’ve put on me, every doubt I’ve had about myself, every insult you’ve accused me with. I trusted you, you knew about what I had with Neal too, how I was still as broken as an old record, but I guess it was all too good to be true.”

 

“Emma-”

 

She raises her available hand up. “Don’t. Just go, please. I don’t want to discuss this, especially in front of Killian, he doesn’t deserve to see all this go down,” she tells him, trying to keep her cool. “And don’t call, or text, or even leave a message, because none of those will get to me,” she mutters, pulling herself and Killian into his dorm.

 

For the next few minutes, she just sits quietly on the edge of the bed, trying to take in everything that just happened. Her head is throbbing, mainly from her almost losing her complete temper in the middle of the hallway where probably 10 people were watching, or even just listening through their doors. How the hell did he even get on campus? That’s something she’s not going to think about, not while she’s irritated and annoyed.

 

Killian sits next to her, his hand rubbing up and down her back. When he asks if she’s alright, she just nods, even though she’s not okay. She never asked to confront his ex, and although Neal was the first one to ever betray her in the worst possible ways, he at least kept away unlike Walsh. God, his name makes her want to vomit and rage.

 

She doesn’t move from the bed for the next hour. She’s 23, she can’t even deal with her own relationship issues without the pain surfacing again. She just stares up at the ceiling, hoping that everything will just go away already, but it’s not, it’s there to stay, and she sighs in defeat, knowing she’s just going to have to endure it again. _“And I have faith that you can overcome your pain”_ repeats over and over in her brain, the only sentence that’s keeping her from not breaking down. She’s stronger than this, she knows better than to let a little encounter ruin her.

 

And in another change of events, she needs to start working on her painting otherwise she’s never going to get it done. She keeps herself isolated however, only going out for her classes, returning straight after, or heading to the diner to get a drink. She’s becoming far more distant, silent, and unaware of how she’s acting, but she does notice the way Killian smiles a lot more sadly, asks her if she’s really okay, and how he always greets her.

 

The tingling and lingering feeling of Killian’s hand in hers still remains, but she refuses to acknowledge it. Ruby questions, like _a lot_ and when she finally tells her what happened, she sighs and shakes her head and asks why she didn’t tell her in the first place. But, like any other reason, she just says she couldn’t and that it was just something stupid to forget.

 

But, she doesn’t forget about it. It’s there in her nightmares, it’s there when she’s trying to paint, it’s there whenever she sees Killian look at her with so much concern and worry.

 

However, one night he gets tired of all this, stepping around eggshells kind of thing. She’s tired of it too, but she just doesn’t know what to say herself.

 

She’s laying in bed with her arms propped behind her head when he sits down on the edge, cocking his head like a adorable little animal of the sorts. “What?”

 

“I’m tired of this, love. You’ve let this… consuming feeling take over you, and I don’t like it one bit,” he honestly says, his hand brushing over her side as he adjusts his position. “Stop thinking about him, stop thinking about what he’s done, or whatever has happened and haunted you from your past. You have stuff to do, Swan, things out there waiting for you, things to _accomplish_ successfully, and this,” he waves around his hand, “whatever it is, will not help.”

 

She huffs out a breath, knowing he’s well beyond right. “I know,” she mumbles, closing her eyes. “I’m trying.” She cracks her eyes open to meet his blue ones, staring right down at her.

 

He smiles and leans down, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Well, keep doing that, love. I forgot to tell you that I’m going out tonight with Robin, Will, and David.”

 

“Go have fun, I can take care of myself.” She tries to ignore what he just did. But she can’t.

 

“Are you sure? I can postpone my pl-”

 

She shakes her head. “Don’t. Do _not_ do that just for me. You deserve to be with your friends, well, guy friends.”

 

“Okay.” He sighs and gets up, grabbing his phone and sticking it in his pocket. “Well, call me if you need anything, love.”

 

Emma nods, giving him a weak little smile before responding with, “I will.”

 

“See you later tonight.”

 

“Have fun,” she mumbles right when he leaves.

 

Honestly, she wanted him to leave because she wants time to herself now. Just alone. Without anybody. Even though it’s nice having Killian, having people who care for her, she’s still the person who likes being secluded from the rest, being quiet and alone, admiring the peace and loneliness she’s grown used to over the long years.

 

Except this alone time, well, it’s making her think even more. These feelings, somewhere deep down, are all coming out because of Killian, and she’s still frightened by the thought. So, per usual, she runs from the emotions, she runs from thinking it would ever work between them, she runs from thinking of ever having a ‘thing’ together.

 

_“He’s been there when you needed someone the most.”_

 

She hates it when her friends are right.

 

_“You have stuff to do, Swan, things out there waiting for you, things to accomplish successfully.”_

 

She hates it when Killian’s right- ridiculously right.

 

When a huff of a breath, giving up on the entire idea of liking Killian, or ever making a move on her, she leans out of bed and turns the light off, letting herself drift to sleep. At least for once, once within the past four days, she’ll be able to get some sleep which is not consisted of Walsh returning and doing something unforgivable for like, the tenth or twentieth time or whatever.

 

Now, being the orphan she is, who used to run and run, it always meant being quite alert of her surroundings, which means waking up to the slightest sounds or movement. Which really does suck, because this means anything can wake her up, and she likes to get her sleep. Though she eventually doesn’t get her sleep, because thanks to the fact she’s a light sleeper. Her initial reaction? Pull the covers up and roll onto her side. Except now, she can’t find a good position and she’s trying her hardest to get the sleep she wants, but she can’t.

 

And she can’t go out. Against the rules.

 

So, she flips the covers off of herself, swinging her feet down. With a silent yawn, she checks the time on her phone. 2:49 AM. The bright screen blinds her, so she quickly turns it off and sets it aside.

 

Glancing across the room, Killian’s fast asleep, his back turned to her. She sighs and wonders if she’ll ever be able to open up again. _“She’s mine now, and I intend to treat her much better than how you did.”_ He’s been treating her in the best ways since they first met. The words continue to echo in her mind, and they’re loud, they’re wild, they’re real, and they’re making her go insane.

 

_“Excuse my manners, but we haven’t been formally introduced,” he says, smiling. “Killian Jones.”_

_She curtly nods. “Emma Swan.”_

_“You’re an art major, if I’m not mistaken. I’ve seen you around here,” he tells her._

_“I am. And you?”_

_“Architectural path,” he answers, lifting his sketchbook up. “You have some good work. I’ve seen it on display in the class,” Killian speaks, smiling as he does, “you have lots of potential, love.”_

_“And I’ve seen your designs too.” She knows better than to be talking with someone when she’s on a tight schedule, but she’s talking to a really hot guy, and time can be made for that. “You have some crazy good stuff as well,” she compliments, checking her watch. “Crap, I need to go back to my dorm.”_

_“Wait, what house are you in?”_

_“Delta. Why?”_

_“I think we can walk back together then,” he offers, smirking. “We’re in the same building.”_

_“Oh, uhm, sure I guess.”_

_And look at that, their rooms are right next to each other. Except, she’s still nervous about befriending Killian Jones, just slightly._

 

It’s merely an impossible thing to avoid now. She does like him. Far more than a friend.

 

“Swan? Why in the devil’s hell are you up?” he grumbles, sitting up in bed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spring/March Break starts this weekend, and that means an entire week of DOING NOTHING. BLESS.


	4. Chapter 4

_When I look into your eyes_

_it’s like watching the night sky_

_or a beautiful sunrise_

_well, there’s so much they hold_

**i won’t give up by jason mraz**

 

 

* * *

 

 

She struggles to find the words to speak, to be honest with him. And the last thing she wants to do is lie, and lying includes running away. “Can’t sleep,” she tells him, shrugging it off; brushing it away in a way that’s far too suspicious and odd. She wraps her arms around herself tightly, trying to brainstorm of other ways to confess how she’s feeling without scaring him off.

 

She really doesn’t know what else to say. If it wasn’t for Walsh’s sudden appearance, she probably wouldn’t be wanting to even confess any of this.

 

Killian approaches her slowly, sitting down next to her. He smells good, according to her, and she can feel the warmth radiating off of his body. It’s soothing her in a way, just his presence, his worry, his wondering for her wellbeing.

 

“Nightmare?”

 

“No, no nightmares,” she answers.

 

He frowns, and she can make out his features even in the dark. “Then what is it this time, love?” His voice is soft, gentle, _sincere_.

 

“It’s…” Sighing, she inhales a big breath. “I’ll probably sound crazy but, it’s you.”

 

“You don’t sound crazy, darling,” he assures her. “But, why am I on your mind?”

 

“Because I don’t understand my own feelings for you,” she mutters, it comes out more bitter than she’d intended. “When you look at me, it’s like I’m your everything, and I don’t get it. And then I remember that you were always my pillar to lean on, my pillow to fall on, my best friend. But, after some thought and some serious persuasion from Ruby, I started doubting how I really felt, what I kept ignoring and rejecting all this time,” she explains, shaking her head. “I don’t really know, Killian. I just- I feel like we’re becoming far more than just friends. And I’m scared because everyone I’ve been with has let me down bef-”

 

“Hey. I don’t intend to let you down,” he says, pulling her in for a hug. For a couple of moments, he just holds her closely, rocking her side to side in a calming sway, she’s too awestruck to speak. “Do you remember when I told you about these resurfacing feelings, the feelings you tend to be hesitant with acting on?” he asks.

 

She recalls the entire conversation, still quite fresh and real in her mind. “Yeah,” she mumbles, letting herself envelop the feeling of being in his arms. “Why?”

 

“Those feelings, the ones I was talking about, the ones I frequently am aware of myself,” he begins, “are all for you. You, you make me wonder so much, love, it’s quite ridiculous when I think about it myself.” He laughs softly, his thumb brushing over her hand. “When you first rejected me that day, saying you weren’t looking to date again, I’ll be honest, I was crushed. But, I knew it shouldn’t affect our current friendship, so I kept it going, decided to be a good friend. And since I knew you weren’t ready, I wanted you to make the choice on your own time. Good form and all that of course.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Aye. Really. I never thought I would be capable of letting go of my first love- my Milah. That is until I met you,” he whispers into her ear, his hot breath spreading upon her skin. “She had passed due to some medical failures when we first finished high school. It was rather devastating for me,” he explains, “Liam would try to cheer me up, and it really never did work. So I escaped that life, continued with my passion for buildings and structural development, hoping I could find another safe haven.

 

“You took me away the first day I had saw you on campus, Swan. I thought I was daft, thinking I could ever get to know someone as strong and beautiful as you were. Yet, when I first spoke to you, I was falling already. I had passed that fine line when I learned your name, knew your outstanding art- and well, learning that you were sleeping a wall away from me didn’t make it any better.”

 

The both of them laugh at that.

 

“When you started dating that Walsh bastard, I’ll admit, I was jealous and pissed off all at the same time. I was never forthright with you on my feelings for you, so that was to blame on myself. And when he broke your heart, when you showed up that night in a heap of a mess, I had wanted to punch myself for not warning you earlier,” he says, his tone of voice grows thick with emotion, of some sort of regret. “If I had done something, asked you out on a date, _anything_ that would have prevented you another heartbreak back then, then I would have. But I was far too confused in my own turmoil, far too enamored by you, that I did not get the chance to ask you out.”

 

Hearing the words from him makes her want to cry. She’s never heard of this before, never even considered how of Killian’s side of things. It’s always been her being concerned about herself, not knowing the opposite, and now that she does, she’s pretty much breathless, speechless, you name it.

 

“I sound quite cheeky, I know, but even, even if you don’t feel the same, or if you think it won’t work, I won’t put any blame on you for it. I won’t blame you for wanting to try either, I won’t blame you if we fail, and I won’t blame you for wanting space and time,” he says, comforting her. “I’m a patient man, I’ve got all the time in the world for you, love.”

 

She finds herself nuzzling more into his hold, his grasp tightening around her as she wants to cry. Cry because- _fuck_ \- this man in front of her, holding her, has liked her from the beginning, and she hasn’t fully noticed until just now. Well, a littler earlier, but point proven. But, all of his gestures, his offers, suggestions, advice. They were always serious, meant for her, real and genuine. Now she just feels bad for pulling him out like this, for _three_ damn years. That must hurt him, a lot.

 

Although she’s still full-on unsure of how it’s going to work, she wants to give it a shot. She’s going to risk it this time, she can trust him with her heart- soon. “I’m sorry I hadn’t realized earlier,” she mumbles, gulping at the thought, “I want to try though.”

 

“Are you sure, love?”

 

“I’ve never been more positive in my life,” she confirms, smiling a little bit. “I’d just want to take it slow.”

 

“Well then, Emma Swan, will you be my girlfriend?”

 

“Yeah.” She nods. “Yeah, I will.” Emma yawns. “Now, I think sleep is calling for me again,” she mutters, “we can talk about this more tomorrow?”

 

“Of course.” He leans over and presses a kiss to the side of her head, letting her go to get into bed properly. When she’s all well in bed, he brushes his thumb over her cheek. “Sweet dreams, Swan. Hopefully they’re about me.”

 

She scoffs. “You wish.”

 

In the morning, she wakes up to a very bare Killian Jones in the process of sleeping. Once again, being a light sleeper sucks; not that she's complaining about seeing Killian in boxers and shirtless. And hey, if they're going to do this, this _dating_ thing, she doesn't mind. She's known him long enough, and the one time she's seen him half-bare was that cottage thing they've done for the past two years over the summer.

 

"See something you like there, Swan?" he asks, and she can hear a smirk on his face.

 

"Go away," she mutters, turning to face her back to him.

 

"My, my, aren't you quite grumpy right now?" he teases, swaggering over to her with his usual good looks and all. "You're a light sleeper, aren't you?"

 

She groans. "Are you going to bother me about being a light sleeper? It's the last thing I need to hear from you," she says, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. "And clearly you changing has woken me up, or the birds."

 

"Sorry, Swan.” He slips his t-shirt over his head. “I've got a class today, so I'll see you later," he tells her, brushing his lips softly against her cheek. “I can help you with your project tonight?”

 

“Yeah.” She tries not to think about it too much, that they’re _trying_ , that this, whatever it is, is quite real. "Anyways, see you.” She smiles as he grabs his stuff and leaves out the door. Now, she’s just going to have to tell Ruby. About _everything,_ and she’s not looking forward to admitting that she was right all along.

 

With another week and a half to work on her project, she decides today is the day to get started. So she does. And thanks to Killian’s suggestion- opinion- on which paint to use, she’s going to stick to it. She figures it’ll fit with the entire sort of theme, and that’s what she’s going to aim for. Plus, she’s better with watercolour paint than acrylic anyways. It’ll just mean being more cautious and making sure not to have too many slipups and mishaps.

 

But, who starts working without a good full stomach? Definitely not Emma Swan. She’s dying for a grilled cheese, and she’s still somewhat tired from the little sleep she had managed to grab before getting woken up. She trudges down the paths, saying “Hey” and “‘Sup” to a couple of people she knows as classmates, and when she’s at the diner, Ruby’s there, with Victor of course. It doesn’t take long for them to pop up in front of her, dragging her toward their booth.

 

“Well good morning to you guys too,” she mumbles under her breath, jerking her head over to wave the waitress over.

 

“This. Is. Progress!” Ruby squeals happily. She nudges Victor in the shoulder who just smiles and nods. “This is the first time you’ve been out in like, two days, and I think that proves something has changed. Plus you’re glowing or something,” Ruby claims, taking a drink from her coffee. “What happened? Tell me everything, girl.”

 

Well, there’s no point in holding back the truth from the two of them. “You were right, Ruby,” Emma starts, “I needed to give Killian the chance an-”

 

“Wait, wait, wait,” Victor interrupts, “you’re dating Killian Jones now? Like… for real?”

 

She rolls her eyes and sighs. “If you’d let me explain.”

 

“Talk,” Ruby demands.

 

“Alright, so you know how Walsh had returned? I was just really lost after he had returned, because me and Killian did this fake dating thing to piss him off. It worked, sort of.” She shrugs. “Long story short, if Killian hadn’t stopped me from going a rampage, I probably would have beat Walsh down in the hallway. Anyways, Killian helped me cope, comforted me, helped me rethink the entire situation… He was- he’s just been helping me in every way.

 

“And last night… Technically this morning, at like three am, I couldn’t sleep, and I guess I had just been sitting there staring at nothing because Killian woke up at some point and was really concerned. He thought it was a nightmare I was having, but then I told him the truth. Surprisingly, well, not really surprising, but he told me the truth too, he said he liked me, more than a friend of course- since the beginning. I told him I wanted to try, I’ve put him off long enough and he’s already waited for me for three entire years, I knew it was time to move on.”

 

Ruby is grinning like she just won a Grammy or something. “I told you so!” Ruby brags, pointing her finger at Emma. “He always looked at you like you were the stars in his entire universe, it was about time.”

 

“Have you guys always known?”

 

“No, not always,” Victor answers, “but it started to become obvious after two weeks of getting to know him.”

 

“What Vic said. Plus, neither of us ever really wanted to push you into anything, so we sorta just let it drag on for a bit,” Ruby adds in. “Which clearly was a bad idea because Walsh ended up in your life later. That scumbag, I never liked him.”

 

Emma flinches at the mention of his name, it even hurts when she has to say his name herself. “Yeah, well hopefully we’ve scared him off.”

 

“You might as well move all your stuff into Killian’s dorm.”

 

“Let’s not jump this, Ruby,” she mutters.

 

She rolls her eyes. “Come on, you’ve basically been there for a week now!” Ruby insists, leaning back into the booth. “And then you won’t have to deal with me and Vic.”

 

“Oh god, you’re putting images into my head,” Emma complains, rubbing her face with her hand. “Fine, fine. I’ll just ask him about it later, alright? Now, I’m going to take this grilled cheese, and head back because I really need to get started on my project that has been rudely delayed multiple times.” She takes her paper bag, but then pauses. “And are we doing that cottage thing again this year?”

 

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure we are! I think we have more people coming along this time.”

 

She slips out of the booth. “Oh great, more people.”

 

“Relax, they’re people that you’ll at least like,” Ruby tells her, “or tolerate.”

 

“I’ll take your word for it.” She checks her phone. “I’m gonna go now. Bye guys.”

 

“See ya,” the both of them say in sync.

 

With that out of the way, she lets herself soak in some of the warmth of the nice weather while she walks back to the dorms. And boy, is there no time to waste, because after grabbing a drink from the mini-fridge Killian keeps, with the addition of her lovely grilled cheese, she’s now more awake and pumped to work on her project. However, while she sketches out the outline of what she’s doing, her phone goes off to distract her. Checking it quickly with a flick of her finger, it’s a text from Killian saying he’s going to be back a bit late because his teacher is keeping him in to discuss some of his work.

 

**_I will be back later than usual. sorry, love. i’ll make it up later. ;)_ **

****

Shaking her head, she laughs to herself. She’s proud of him, figuring it’s probably about his completed final project. Emma knows how hard he’s worked with his own buildings and designs, it cannot even be compared to her own work which she usually prides herself in. He’s unique, special, a one-of-the-kind and super talented person she knows. And she’s glad she chose to befriend him before it was too late, otherwise she wouldn’t be here, in his dorm- possibly even moving in secretly- working on her final art project which is due by the end of the month technically, and… dating him.

 

 _okay. now i wonder how you’ll be making it up_ , is what she texts him back.

 

He’s the perfect guy, anyone would be willing to get into his hands, but still, he chose her, and she chose him in the end. She’ll always choose him, because she knows him, trusts him, cares about him. Knowing that he was always scared on ever trying to ask her out, always nervous around the entire idea makes her heart burst. Just how does she deserve a man like this? So honest, modest, loyal, confident and just plain our spectacular? An answer she’ll probably never discover, maybe an answer she’ll never actually need to really know at all.

 

Before she knows it, the outcome of her basic sketch is done, and all she needs to do is start the painting part. Except, through about three hours of trying to get it as perfect as possible, she’s exhausted from that part. Perhaps painting will come on her next spare day, because right now, all she wants is to climb into bed and go watch a movie or something on her laptop. Oh, so many possibilities of her screwing up while painting from three hours of strained work, those, she is most definitely not willing to go through. If one big thing is fucked up, that means either finding a way around it, or starting over. And she doesn’t have that many sheets of watercolour paper left in the first place. So yes, settling down in bed for an hour or so won’t hurt.

 

 **food?** pops up on her phone screen.

 

_you’re not serious are you?_

 

_**sort of am, lass. but no worries, i’ve got something else in mind after i get back.** _

 

_better hurry there, i’m on edge of passing out_

 

_**did you do that much work without me? i’m wounded** _

 

_i did some pretty hardcore sketching for three hours, so yes, i did that much work without you staring over my shoulder._

**_it’s called observing, Swan_ **

_and it’s called I need my personal space, moron._

 

It’s another couple of minutes before that screen lights up, nearly scaring her half to death because she’s not completely paying attention.

 

_**aye... well, i don’t abide by personal space that much with you around.** _

 

_**oh, and i’ll be back shortly. need to take a stop to grab myself a drink** _

 

_ok._

_oh and btw, we’re still on for the cottage thing this summer. i asked ruby today when i ran into her at the diner._

**_alright. sounds fine with me of course._ **

****

_except there’s more people attending this year._

 

_**you’ve got to be bloody kidding me** _

 

_likewise_

 

_**k, well, i suppose we’ll just have to get through this together, won’t we? i believe we’ve always made quite the team.** _

 

_yeah. yeah we have._

 

And then the texting stops there. She leans back against the wall, snaps open her laptop on her lap, and then starts to check the news, trends, YouTube, all the delightful things the internet provides her and the world. Within ten minutes of the last time they talked, well, messaged, the door clicks open and he’s holding his sketchbook in between his armpit, and then the bottle of ice water in his hands.

 

“You brought in the smell of sweat,” she mutters, sitting up properly.

 

He laughs, dropping his bag to the floor. “I was running across campus, alright? Give a man a break, Swan.” He twists the bottle cap off and chugs about half of the water, she watches it go down that throat of his. “I’m going to shower anyways,” he mumbles, fishing some clothes from his closet.

 

“And what was it you were saying about making it up to me?” she asks, clamping her laptop shut.

 

He stands up straight, his eyes narrowing and turning to her. “Ah, I had nearly forgotten. Well, I was thinking we should go on a proper date. If i’m going to court you, I’m going to do it the right way,” he says, slinging his shirt over his shoulder. “And hey, I wasn’t lying about it when this date _does_ include some food.”

 

“I believe you.” She smiles, shuffling herself off of the bed. “Better be something more than diner food though, I don’t think I want to eat that for the rest of my life.”

 

“Of course. Now, I’ll need time to plan this date to make it as appealing and satisfying for you as possible,” he explains. “So, given that I’m going to go take a relaxing shower, it will also be a thoughtful one.”

 

**. . . . . .**

 

"You're finally dating Killian!" Mary Margaret squeals over the phone.

 

"Does news just travel at light speed?" she mutters, flipping page through her art history book. "Let me guess, Ruby told you guys?"

 

"Actually, Killian told David when they ran into each other yesterday. I mean, none of us were really surprised about it, but it's just that it took so long for you to open up again, and then it took forever for Killian to ever try and ask you out."

 

"Were you all in on the both of us getting together?"

 

"Uh, maybe," Mary Margaret stammers, “actually yes.”

 

“You guys are ridiculous,” Emma responds, skimming her highlighter over the paper. “My own friends knowing it would happen before I did? Great impression on my own self.”

 

Mary Margaret laughs. “Well, on another note, how’s your project going? Good, I’d assume?”

 

“Pretty good,” she admits, “but right now I’m busy reading about the ancient history of art styles from different periods of time- really damn boring.” Emma sighs hopelessly. “Please relieve me of all these years I need to remember for an upcoming test.”

 

“I was never good with numbers,” Mary Margaret says, “let alone math.”

 

“Too many years,” she drawls, complaining about the list of years on her paper. “Too much memorization too.”

 

“Have Killian test you,” Mary Margaret suggests.

 

“He’s not back yet.”

 

“From where?”

 

“Classes of course. We only share two days out of the five together, the others are either me out at class, or he’s at his,” she thoroughly explains, flipping another page in the book. “Then again, make that four because of the weekend,” she adds.

 

“That’s four out of seven days. Sounds pretty okay to me,” Mary Margaret inputs her opinion.

 

“It is. And hey, you and David joining us this summer at the cottage thing again?”

 

“Oh yep, most definitely.”

 

“Well, I’d say the more the merrier, but Ruby said there’d be more people this time,” she notifies Mary Margaret, “and that means more than the regular gang. As Killian would put it, bloody hell.”

 

“Do you know who’s joining us, then?” Mary Margaret asks.

 

Emma hears the sound of a door click open from her side, assuming it’s David. “No,” she responds, sticking the cap on her highlighter. “David’s back?” she asks, picking her phone off from the bed, sticking it between her shoulder and ear.

 

“Yeah. I’m gonna go now, talk to you later. Bye, Emma!”

 

“Alright, bye.”

 

When they hang up, it’s funny how Killian walks in right at that moment, slipping his arms around her and digging his head into the side of her neck, his breath hot against her skin. “Miss me?”

 

“Nah. Studying for this test has been keeping me far more occupied than remembering I have a boyfriend,” she teases.

 

He grins against her skin. “Do you need any help, love?”

 

“As a matter of fact, I _do_.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It won't be all happy-go-mushy for too long. Just a fair warning, readers.


	5. Chapter 5

_This is gonna break me clean in two_

_this is gonna bring me close to you_

_she is everything I need that I never knew I wanted_

_she is everything I want that I never knew I needed_

**she is by the fray**

 

* * *

 

 

“What was the earliest years Japanese art gets traced back to?”

 

“Uh, tenth century B.C,” Emma responds, tapping her fingers on the mattress.

 

He nods. “List three types of Greek art.”

 

“Hellenistic, Classical and Archaic,” she answers confidently, and then comes the yawn. It’s 10:30 PM, well, somewhere around there, she’s bound to get tired at some point.

 

He snaps her binder shut. “Tired?”

 

She shrugs, licking her lips to wet them after so much talking and testing. “Sort of. I’m tired, but not to the point where I actually want to sleep yet.”

 

“I suppose we can stay up for awhile more, because I probably won’t be able to sleep until you are.” He takes a drink from his water. “I know one thing, and it’s that you’ll do quite fine on this exam of yours,” he assures her, throwing the binder onto the table. “You’ve done well before, you can do it again.”

 

With a stretch of her back, she sighs. “Only fine?”

 

“ _Perfect_ ,” he corrects, smiling brightly at her.

 

“Hey, I want your opinion on something,” she says, rubbing the back of her neck from the strain. “You don’t need to give me an immediate answer though.”

 

“Out with it, Swan.”

 

Emma sighs. “Ruby thinks I should just permanently move in with you,” she tells him. “And I just remembered to bring this up-”

 

He stops her. “It would be an honour, love. Really, I wouldn’t mind having your _permanent_ company.” He smirks like the devil. “It would be a lot more convenient than the usual.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Aye. I suppose it’s just your choice, isn’t it now?”

 

“It is. And I don’t know yet.” She shrugs, falling back on the bed. “It would be nice to get away from Ruby, but then I’d have to put up with so much of you and I don’t know who I can tolerate more,” she comments quite sarcastically; but to an extent, it’s still the truth. “A boyfriend or a best friend? I can’t tell if I’m jeopardizing myself or not by having to make this _very_ important decision.”

 

“I, for one, cannot tell if you are teasing me,” he mutters. “And if you are, I’d like you to have a fair warning that you are playing quite a dangerous game with me, darling.”

 

“Yeah, dangerous. _Right_.”

 

He chuckles. “Don’t believe me, do you?” he taunts her with such a question, the thought and curiosity bestowing over her.

 

“What are you going to d-”

 

Her phone interrupts her.

 

And it’s Walsh. Again.

 

“I swear, does he ever fucking give up on this crap?” she murmurs angrily, ignoring the phone call and throwing it onto the side table. “I told him not to call.

 

“Ignore it. Get a new number, maybe?”

 

She lets out an exasperated sigh of frustration. She sits up properly. “It didn’t stop him before, why should it stop him now?”

 

“Come on, Swan, think a bit more positively,” he encourages, leaning forward to wrap his arm around her waist. “You’re not alone in this, and this time, I for sure am not going to leave you to fall to whatever he wants to do with you,” Killian assures her, his hand rubbing up and down her back. “Besides, I’m the one who owns you now.” He winks, making her body tremble in a way that has never happened before.

 

It’s an uneasy feeling flooding through her, but by the time they’re both in bed, she can’t manage to let her eyes close and let her body fall to fatigue. An hour ago, she was yawning every fifteen minutes or so, but now she’s oddly not as tired as she thought, and she doesn’t know what exactly is bothering her to this point. It’s definitely not Walsh, because she’s already had enough of him, and she knows he’s not worth thinking about.

 

But, perhaps it’s Killian. The way he smiles and laughs, the way he jokes and flirts, the way he touches and assures. Perhaps it’s the way he treats her, the way she’s never been really actually used to, and during the moments she did feel like she was cared for, loved, it had all been a petty little ruse in the very end. So, perhaps it’s just the idea of losing him like every other guy she’s ever dated, which means the two asshole boyfriends from her past.

 

So yes, she has a completely rugged heart, one that’s gone through more pain with two boyfriends than it should have, so yes, she’s always hesitant on opening up to anyone, especially if it’s to a best friend who can easily break her again. But then again, something tells her to trust him, and then another says to not try with this entire thing.

 

God _fucking_ damnit, why does doubt have to always cloud her own judgement? It’s annoying to her, she can’t think straight, and by the time she’s even realized, it’s halfway through the night (or morning) and she’s yet to fall asleep; to get rest for the test she has in like… five hours or so. So, she has five hours to get sleep, somehow of course, if only there was something magical to aid her. Emma tries everything; counting sheep, staring at the ceiling until she gets bored, but nothing really does turn out to work. The last time she had a night this serious, it was back when she was with Walsh.

 

She silently groans, pushing herself out of bed. Quietly, she peeks out the door and into the empty hallway, and she finds herself soon strolling out of the building. Well, more like trudging, but point taken. She’s tired, but she can’t sleep. Insomnia is building up inside of her, and that’s not something she wants. The inability to sleep like this, it hurts sometimes, to know how hard she tries, yet she can’t do a single damn thing to fix it.

 

Luckily, the nights are cool, regardless of the fact that the mornings and afternoons are far too warm and humid. The gentle air hitting her bare arms make her involuntary shudder, but the air is making her relax a little bit more. Maybe this walk was all she really needed, some dark skies and warm lights shining through some windows enough to settle her down.

 

Her feet wander around, but she eventually finds herself sitting in front of that fountain again, just watching the water flow down and around.

 

“Swan?”

 

“Over here,” she says.

 

“Bloody hell, I was going to use the washroom but I noticed the bed empty,” he mutters, sitting down next to her. “You can’t just sneak off like that,” he whispers, holding her closely, “scaring me out of the blue."

 

“Sorry. I needed air. Like… badly. I couldn’t sleep, and this time there wasn’t much bothering me.” She sighs, feeling his warmth calm her. “I’ve been up for like four hours. I figured a walk could clear my mind.”

 

He presses a kiss into her hair. “Let’s go back and we can devise a plan to get you back to sleep. You need your well deserved rest for tomorrows... wait, todays examination."

 

"Alright."

 

While they walk back, he frequently tightens his grip on her hand, and she doesn't know whether it's intentional or not, but it does make her a little bit giddy inside. Every single touch they share, things that have been ignored from before, are all being brought to light and to both of their attentions.  She rubs her eyes when they get back, knowing that she's slowly getting tired. But at this rate, she's not going to end up falling asleep until another hour from now.

 

She curls up in bed, and for some reason, she wants the feeling of being in someones arms. Just wants the comfort and warmth, and damn, she's 23 and feels like some lovestruck teenager when she backtracks to her shitty high school days. When life was a bitch when she was with Neal.

 

"Killian?"

 

"Aye?"

 

She sighs, rolling around to face him from the other side of the room. "Can you... sleep with me? I just- I don't know, I feel like maybe I can get some sleep then." Emma feels completely embarrassed at her request, but he doesn't even hesitate to climb in next to her, hearing the ruffle of the sheets lift up.

 

"You could have asked earlier, love," he mumbles. "Anything else?"

 

"No. Thank you," she breathes out, closing her eyes.

 

The usual warmth that emits off his body whenever he's standing beside her changes into something else, she's beyond relaxed now, her mind finally drifting off to a better place, a place where her imagination never rests. Her breathing finally evens out, her shoulders no longed too tensed, and her body finally stops being it's oddly active self. Throw ‘taking it slow’ out the window now.

 

She dreams of a better life, a life full of happiness, no stress, no anticipation in having something come back from her past to haunt her. She dreams of Killian Jones, his cheeky smile, his never-ending innuendos,  his favorable assurance and assistance she never can deny in the end. And then it strikes her. When has she ever actually denied him of his offers? Never. Or rarely.  She's always been honored by having his help, always been welcome to his aid because she's never really had the guts to turn him down, or it's because she just _can't_ turn him down. It's as if she's always been using him, never actually being as thankful as she should be, taking him more for granted as best friend than what he really deserves.

 

Well, more doubt in her life that she doesn't need at the moment. He doesn't need a broken person in his life, but what exactly is this? Being selfish? No, no it's not, but hell, she just wants these dumb voices in her head to just go away.

 

"Love, wake up."

 

It's a distant voice, but that lilted accent is very familiar.

 

"Swan!"

 

Her eyes fly open, and Killian is looking over her shoulder, a firm hand has been shaking her. "And I was finally getting the sleep I needed," she mutters.

 

"Good morning, love."

 

"Morning," she grumbles. shoving herself forward to sit up. "Why did you wake me?"

 

He laughs. "You have a test to get to."

 

She glances at the time as she starts to scramble out of bed. "Right."

 

She changes far too quickly for her own liking, grabs her bag, making sure she has her pens and other stuff. However, before she storms off, Killian grabs her by the wrist and spins her around. He wishes her good luck and presses a short-lived kiss to her lips, and _that_ is something she can get used to. She just mumbles a thanks before she's running halfway across the school property to get to her class. The entire time, she's smiling and shaking her head at the thought. She's _happy_ , and this happy is not a regular part of her life, so for once, she just lets herself soak in the somewhat foreign feeling.

 

The entire time she’s writing the test, she’s thinking back to the stuff Killian had helped her review. In most cases, it does help, but for some things she just needs to rely on her pure memory or guts. Multiple choice questions are usually questions she can complete as ease, but some of the numbers are slipping out of her brain before she’s able to colour in the right answer on her sheet. _Think, think, think,_ repeats in her brain, closing her eyes and blowing out a breath. And then, bingo. There’s ten minutes left, and she has to answer another twenty questions.

 

There’s plenty of time, because while she scans through the remainder, she realizes they’re easy, well, at least for her- just until she stumbles on one question that is confusing her. A wild guess needs to be made. Just as the professor says time’s up, she leans back in her seat and sighs. _Close call still_ , she thinks, handing her test in.

 

And now because she doesn’t want to stay in this wretched Historical Art class, she finds herself slinging the backpack over her shoulder and ditching that room at fast as possible. On the way back, she grabs herself a quick to-go breakfast, running into Ruby and Victor as usual. She chucks the empty coffee cup into the garbage along with the paper bag.

 

The rest of her classes for the day are a bore, nothing special or important comes up as the usual. Most classes are going pretty chill since the break is arriving, and she’s pretty excited. Just the ‘more people’ attending turns her away from the entire cottage thing. Making new friends was never Emma’s strong suit, she should be even lucky that Ruby, Victor, David, Mary Margaret, and Killian are her friends in the first place. If it wasn’t for all of their persistence, she probably would be sitting in her room alone, listening to music and randomly doodling in her sketchbook.

 

Some friends are worth having. She knows that. Good thing she has trustworthy ones where she feels comfortable hanging around with.

 

Eventually, she drags herself back to the dorms through the unsettling heat that’s driving itself into Maine. And when she does get back, she takes a long awaited cold shower, works on the art project which is coming along nicely. There are several shades of blue being used, and then there’s this yellow and white that blend in nicely. However, she’s struggling to find the absolute light source, or at least, where to place it as most. She sighs, dabbing her paintbrush into the water and cleaning it off. After another hour of devoted painting time, she’s almost done.

 

“Hello, love,” Killian greets, shutting the door behind him. “Did I miss the painting session? Or should I say, _invading Swan’s personal space_ time?”

 

She rolls her eyes at spins around in the chair. “I was actually just about to clean up.” She stands up. “You can check it out and give me your thoughts though while I clean all this up.”

 

It’s a complete mess, but she manages anyways.

 

“These two figures are quite interesting Swan, I like the way you’ve delicately painted them passing each other,” he comments, his eyes scanning over the canvas. “But, I can very well tell you’re struggling with the light.”

 

“Perceptive.”

 

Killian smirks. “I _know_ I am,” he says. “Anyways, I think you should do something with their shadows. Perhaps a silhouette of the sort to show of the darkness they’re in, and that they are the passing lights in each other’s life? A mere suggestion of the sort, if you understand what I’m trying to say,” he offers, shrugging nonchalantly. “The lyrics were somewhat similar about them passing in the night, aye? Cluelessly of course, but that is dependent on your own interpretation.”

 

“Yes, and your interpretation is pretty accurate with mine. They coincide in a way, so I’ll figure out a way soon. Thanks for your suggestion, I’ll come around with something eventually,” she responds, wiping her hands with a wet cloth. “Just need to let it dry now before I put it away.”

 

He nods curtly, licking his lips. “In other news, how was your exam, love?”

 

She chuckles, remembering her encounter with that one damn fucking question. “I’m sure I got most of it down. Except I know for sure there was this one multiple choice question that I had no clue about. I don’t even remember what it was to be honest. There goes my chance at a perfect.”

 

“You tried.”

 

She shrugs. “Yeah, I guess I did. You testing me put a lot of it into my mind,” she says, “and I think it’s ‘cause you repeatedly kept correcting me when I made a mistake though. And then you mocked me about it.” Then, she narrows her eyes at him, jerking her side to the side slightly. “Can I mention that mocking me about it was not very helpful at all?”

 

“Admit it, you did enjoy me making fun of you once and awhile, Swan,” he wildly remarks, taking steps toward her.

 

A scoff turns into a breathy laugh. “Yes, I had a lot of fun being humiliated again.”

 

He looks surprised. “ _Again_?”

 

“Right, well… Apparently all our friends knew you liked me way before I did,” she murmurs, slightly embarrassed. “As most people see it, I’m a stubborn person. I’d like to think I’m not, but who am I to run from the truth?”

 

This damn change of topic though, she brought it upon herself, now she needs to deal with it, because she knows it’s not going in the best direction.

 

“Hey, you might be an infuriating stubborn woman, but you are my infuriating stubborn woman,” he compliments, a playful smile glowing on his face. “Besides, no one could blame you for not noticing any earlier, lass. You had other things to focus on, such as that art of yours you cherish so well.”

 

“I could have prevented myself from my own heartbreak if I had noticed your affections earlier,” she says, and it’s hardly over a whisper, sort of self-deprecating and full of reflection.

 

“ _Emma_ , listen to me love, it was _not_ your fault,” he insists, his hands firmly placed on her shoulders. “I wasn’t forward enough with you, and by all means, that’s more of my fault than yours. You had embarked on your own voyage, one that hadn’t consisted of me being your significant other at the moment. But have you ever thought about the aftermath, Swan? The way you stood up, and fought back? The way you might have cried and mourned, but never really did let it get you as down as it might have if you had let it?

 

“You’re a tough lass, never forget that. Pushed and pulled, yet still intact. Abandoned and lost, yet still found a way. You have thick skin, you’re a bloody brilliant person. Remember that. Don’t think any of this was ever your fault, you made your own choices, and perhaps those decisions have taught you more than you’d have ever expected yourself. Put some faith in yourself, Swan. You’ve once said quite passionately to fight back and prove who you are. Do that yourself sometime, believe in yourself.”

 

“Good to hear my own words spat back at me.” She closes her eyes and calmly sighs, recalling all the events. “Damn, I’m not acting quite myself now,” she mutters, shaking her head. Avoid the conversation, avoid this, _whatever_ it is because she’s not willing to talk about it at the moment. She doesn’t need a pep talk from Killian, no matter the situation. “I’m going to get changed and get some rest.” She turns around to sort her clothes out.

 

“You’re running.”

 

She freezes in place. “What?”

 

“You’re avoiding the conversation, Swan, I know all too well of all your little tricks and antics,” he claims confidently, smiling sadly at her. “But that’s okay with me. Only speak when you’re comfortable, even if it means another year from now. As long as you stop running at some point, stop being so afraid to open up, I don’t mind when.” He pushes the chair in, under the table. “And that reminds me… You had a rather good sleep _after_ I was in bed _with_ you.” It’s his teasing voice all over again.

 

Emma can’t help but roll her eyes at his implication. She drawls, “Your point is…?”

 

“Oh come one, love. Admit that I had helped you fall asleep soundly.” There’s a pause. “And that maybe you’ll need my help again.”

 

“You’re so full of yourself,” she mutters, folding her arms over her chest and turning to glare at him. “Do you seriously want me to say that?”

 

He nods, smirking with a raised eyebrow. “Aye. Can’t have a man dream all the time, can you?”

 

“Fine, fine. I suppose you did help me fall asleep. I just needed someone, alright?”

 

“It’s all I asked for,” he whispers, walking forward and pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead. “Now, do you need me to be your accomplice in bed once again? Or shall I retire back to mine?”

 

“Can you stay up for an extra ten minutes?” she requests, feeling some heat build up to her cheeks. “In case I can’t fall asleep within that allotted time, I’ll ask for you.”

 

“As you wish.”

 

This night, she does need Killian to help her fall asleep. With her back against his chest and his arm gently draped over her center, it feels almost far too domestic, something she’s not too familiar with, not even when she was with Walsh or Neal. But it helps, somehow, and she’s thankful that he’s willing to do anything for her; which is still ridiculous in her mind.

 

Although the bed is not that spacious, it still manages to surprise her that the both of them can stay in it without one kicking each other out. _Not really taking it slow anymore, but who gives a fuck,_ she thinks in her mind, letting the warmth of his breath seep onto the skin of her neck. _He does look at me like I’m the stars to his universe, treats me like I’m the most precious person ever,_ but that’s besides the point. It’s that this is serious, real, and it’s true she runs- she’s been running her entire life- because old habits die hard, so hell yes, she’s running like a coward.

 

Very aware of her own decisions, despite being the one making them, makes her want to turn back in time and just slap her old self and say ‘what the actual fuck were you thinking?’ because to be serious here, she is making dumb decisions. She does want to be honest with him, _of course_ she does, it’s just her first initial reaction is to run, and since it’s a damned habit of hers, it means she needs to figure out a way to counteract her own self. Which sounds oddly… odd. Just, weird.

 

It's a sudden nightmare that wakes her abruptly, and she also startles Killian. He whispers words of comfort into her hair, his hand moving up to rub her waist. To the steady beat of his heart, and the sound of his breathing, she eventually falls asleep again- with the nightmares not on her mind.

 

By the time she awakes, it's due to her empty and complaining stomach. And then she remembers tonight is date night, and she has no clue about what Killian has planned.

 

“G’morning, love,” he murmurs, tightening his grip around her waist. His voice is full of sleep, his accent thicker than usual. It’s actually attractive, but hell if she’s going to admit that. “Sleep well I presume?

 

“Yeah,” she mumbles. “Thanks again.”

 

“Might as well make this a regular occurrence,” he suggests, though it’s with one of his teasing tones, “because not getting sleep is bad for you.”

 

“Thanks Captain Obvious,” she grumbles.

 

Killian peeks over her shoulder with a lazy smile. “Date is tonight.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Dress casual.”

 

“How does this work? We live in the same fucking dorm.”

 

“I’ll spend my day with Dave, and you continue to work on your painting until the time’s right,” he suggests. “Unless you will be missing my company?”

 

She inwardly groans at his big ego. “In your dreams.”

 

“Would you hurt me if I said I do dream of you?” he whispers into her ear, his breath tickling her. “Because I _do_.”

 

“Okay, I think it’s time to get outta bed,” she immediately responds, not wanting to hear all of the stuff he really does mean. She starts to climb over him, but he pulls her back, her face ending up between his neck and shoulder, nearly hitting the wooden header. “Fuck,” she curses, “really, Killian? I thought you wanted to spend your day with Dave!”

 

“I’d rather spend it with you,” he says, “so I can invade all your precious personal space,” he continues, “assist you with my very own suggestions that you apply to your art,” he pauses, “and then take you out so you can get a well deserved break from your dedication, love.”

 

She inhales the scent of his shampoo, a sort of sea mint or something. She sighs, because she’s never expected to be this happy before, but she _is_. “I never knew Killian Jones had such a sweet, soft spot,” she mocks, closing her eyes. “Just so you know, I don’t pillage and plunder on the first date.”

 

“That’s because you haven’t been out with _me_ yet.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This e!online poll is taking over my life.


	6. Chapter 6

_Oh, won’t you tell me why_

_i keep waiting up at night_

_leaving on the lights_

_i can never say goodbye_

**ghost by mat kearney**

 

* * *

 

“Yes, I have a date with him, no we are not doing a double date any time soon, Ruby, god, no, Ruby shut up!”

 

Killian is punching his pillow by holding in his laughter from across the room, and she’s internally growling at how many questions Ruby is asking.

 

“I want all the details!” Ruby is literally cheering for her for having a date. Who the actual fuck cheers for someone when they have a date? It’s just because of her goddamn circumstances, where she was always closing off and was quite disinterested in dating. “You have to tell me, Emma.”

 

“Honestly, I have no details besides the fact I’m dressing casual,” she mutters.

 

“Put Killian on the phone!”

 

“No, I’m not doing that,” Emma sternly responds, glancing over at Killian who’s smirking like a smug bastard. “This is our date, not yours.”

 

A sigh comes from the other end. “Don’t be such a downer, Emma. You can not tell me now, but you will tell me after the date is over, right?”

 

“Sure, I’ll tell you after it happens. And when I mean after, I mean a day later because I’m not going to shower you with stuff that I’d rather keep private for a bit.” _That’s because you haven’t been out with me yet._ “I’m only going to summarize though, don’t expect some massive explanation of how it goes, that’s just gonna turn out weird.”

 

“Any information will be reeled out from you,” Ruby says. “Okay, Victor’s comin’ over, so I’ll talk to you later. Bye!”

 

“Bye.”

 

Time to charge her phone. So, she places it on the table and connects the charger in. The entire time, Killian’s just sitting there with a goofy smile, knowing exactly what he’s doing, alluring her in such a manner. Except, she’s refusing to fall for any of it, she’s not going to tell him about what Ruby has in mind for the date.

 

She pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs, dropping onto the bed. But, in most cases, she does tend to wonder about what Killian has planned. She hasn’t yet pinned into knowing what _exactly_ he’d do. If it’s a casual thing, it’s not a fancy dinner- which she’s not surprised about. Income isn’t easy for anyone, but being that Maine is quite wonderful in terms of some nature, she wonders if Killian is going to take her out to somewhere a little less expected.

 

“I’d have thought you would have caved by now, love.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Now you’re being all hostile again, please elaborate on your sudden mood change.”

 

“No sudden mood change for your information, perhaps I’m always like this and you just don’t pay attention enough.”

 

He laughs. “Oh, darling, I’ve had my eyes on you since the day I caught sight of you. I know you better than you think, and you are definitely being your hostile self again. Just like the day I found you asleep in the hallway,” he says, thrusting himself off his bed and toward her. “You should be lucky I hadn’t called campus security about being locked out of your own room. That would have been far more embarrassing, wouldn’t it?”

 

“Would you really would have done that to your best friend?”

 

“You’re right,” he says, “I wouldn’t have. But, it would have been a good rumour to spread, don’t you think?”

 

 _Oh my god_ , is what goes through her mind at the words he says. She groans, rolling onto her side. “Are you just trying to get on my nerves purposely? Because you’re doing a really good job at it, I applaud you for that.”

 

“Well, relinquish those thoughts because you won’t even remember this conversation by the end of tonight.”

 

She scoffs. “Humor me. Like I’d forget.”

 

“Trust me, darling. You _will_.”

 

She groans and lets her weight drop onto the bed, ignoring the fact Killian lays down next to her, his finger playing with her hair. As much as she technically despises him in so many ways - damn talented, intelligent, aggravating man - she does like him. It’s just that she never knew earlier which sometimes annoys her because she could have saved herself so much more trouble. She walked away from him plenty of time, but at least now she’s making her bridge back with him, making amends for the dumb, inexcusable mistakes she’s made. (Okay maybe not inexcusable, but just really stupid mistakes.)

 

“Didn’t you say you wanted to hang out with David?” she mumbles her question.

 

He chuckles, brushing his thumb over her cheek. “Did you forget already that I wanted to rather spend my time with you too?”

 

“Killian, stop being infuriating and sweet. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about this at all.”

 

“Good,” he murmurs closely to her ear, towering over her and pressing a soft kiss to her lips.

 

Before she knows it, she pulls him back down on top of him so they meet again. She’s never felt so lit up before, not with Walsh, not with Neal, but with Killian of all people. It’s just another reason of why they always seem to fit each other so seamlessly, as if they’re that ridiculous label people claim - soul mates, was it? Something like that.

 

His lips are soft, and the kiss is tender, but there’s also a small bit of eagerness, hunger, desperation. They’ve not yet to have any sort of kiss like this, they’ve been keeping it down.

 

“Bloody hell,” he mutters, pulling back away from her slightly, just hovering enough, making sure he doesn’t crush her body on top of his. “You know how to tease a man, Swan.”

 

“No teasing,” she breathes out, opening her eyes. “I said I wouldn’t pillage and plunder on the first date, so I’m not going back on my word about that, _mate_.”

 

“You said on the first date, nothing about other times,” he taunts carefully.

 

 _Fucking douche knowing how to tread this line he’s on_. She huffs out of her nose, shaking her head at him. “Stop being smart too,” she murmurs, bumping his nose with hers. Everything feels so right with him, it scares the living hell out of her. She’s scared she’ll lose him somehow - he gets bored of her and leaves, they argue over something dumb and then he’s gone, she’ll screw it up somehow and neither of them will get to chance to fix it.

 

“Penny for your thoughts, love?”

 

She shakes her head, waking herself from the little doubtful trance she put herself in again. “Sorry, just… nothing, me being stupid is all.”

 

“Not stupid, I can hear you thoughts,” he says, rolling off of her and pulling her up. “I’m not leaving you if that’s what you’re thinking.”

 

“I don’t know if I should be scared,” she begins to say, “or glad you can do that. Please don’t do that often; the entire reading thing again, it makes me feel guilty that I even think about these things.” She leans on his shoulder, the way he’s firm and easy to trust and believe in comes simply from having someone be there.

 

He chuckles and wraps an arm around her, pressing a kiss to her temple. “Never feel guilty about it, Swan. If I had gone through everything you’ve gone through, I’d be in your exact position.” His thumb rubs her shoulder in a slow pattern, his cheek resting on top of her head. “And there’s nothing I can say to stop you from thinking about it, _but_ ,” he takes in a breath loudly, “there are things I can do to prove I won’t leave you, aye?”

 

“I guess.”

 

“Darling, I _know_.”

 

She doesn’t. “Always right aren’t you?” She looks over at him, keeping her eyes locked on the way he smiles confidently. Faint, but obvious, are the stuttering formations inside her stomach.

 

“Absolutely.”

 

 

* * *

 

It’s flat out ridiculous how well this guy plans a date. Usually, she hates going off campus, hates it when Ruby drags her somewhere (they’re mostly bars and such, not that she’s ever invested in that kind of stuff), but with Killian, she feels the freedom drive through her so easily. It’s the most carefree she’s been in awhile, and to be honest, she likes it.

 

It’s a small, but quite fancy Italian restaurant not far from here, and apparently Killian knows the owner well. He opens the door for her, pulls out her chair, teases her in all the ways possible. She’s enjoying her time, forgetting about everything that’s ever bothered her in the past week - which includes all thoughts on Walsh - and even worse, his absolute declaration that she will forget their heartfelt conversation from earlier on in the day. _Damn him for being right all the time_ , she thinks as she drinks.

 

She does catch the way she feels heat rise to her cheeks, the feeling that she knows she’s definitely blushing when he compliments her genuinely about how she looks. She does catch the way she nearly snorts (unlady-like) or the way she nearly chokes when he makes some sexual innuendo purposely. She does catch the way her face can come close to feeling sore from smiling so much because she’s actually having a good time. She does catch the way her shoulders shake and laugh from the way he makes the worst jokes and comments too. She catches herself being guilty to a lot of things, but none of them bother her, because she’s having a good time.

 

He insists on paying the bill just for tonight. “Let me be the gentleman tonight, love,” he tells her, smirking like he always does.

 

While they walk back in the darkness, the only lights shining on them is the moonlight and streetlights, he reaches out and takes her hand in his, gently squeezing it with a grin on his face. She doesn’t realize when it happened, but eventually his jacket is draped over her shoulders while they walk hand in hand. They run into David and Mary Margaret - she doesn’t miss the way David glares at David with a protective death stare, or the way Mary Margaret is smiling at Emma. Maybe Killian is rubbing off on her, making her happier in ways than she’s had in ages.

 

To make this bastard even better at this entire dating thing, disregarding the fact they technically live in the same room, he kisses her a sweet goodnight before he’s off into the washroom to change and brush his teeth. Idiot, she decides herself, changing out of her casual dress and into a pair of old sweats and a t-shirt that’s striped and according to Killian “cute.” And everyone knows he _never_ uses words like that.

 

After she’s done brushing her teeth and in bed, Killian joins her without any consent because she knows he knows he doesn’t need any. After so many nights of not being able to sleep (and he’s the reason she can sleep now) she doesn’t bother asking him a second time to stay up later or not, she doesn’t tell him he can join her - he just does it, like it’s an instinct of his.

 

And she doesn’t blame him for it. The fact she’s tucked under his chin, his body warm and molded against hers perfectly, she feels like everything’s right to be in his arms. She’s never felt more safe and welcome in anyone else.

 

Sometimes, she’ll wonder if he’ll be like Walsh. Treat her nicely, be her everything, and then everything goes downhill. Sometime, she’ll wonder if he’ll be like Neal. Treat her well, tell her she’s perfect, and then abandon her as if she was just a whim. But, a voice in her head and a tug at her heart tells her otherwise, and that’s what she vows to trust more than a couple of old doubts resurfacing from her dusty past of relationships.

 

In the morning, he refuses to let her out of his arms, and she doesn’t blame him. It _is_ really comfortable, even on the not so spacious single bed they’re sharing every night now.

 

In the afternoon, she works on her painting, and it’s nearly done, she’s finally starting to see where everything blends well together. The colours don’t contradict too much, rather than that, they’re bright and cool, the way they show out. And then there’s the ghost of light that they’re trying to find when the two figures walk past each other. What’s left is a written summary of what she’s done, and while it’s nearing six in the evening, Killian comes back with some dinner for her which she’s eternally thankful for. She’s been far too focused on finishing her damn project to end up not having a care in the world for anything else.

 

In the night, she wakes up to a nightmare. Her eyes quickly flash open to the white wall in front of her, and she’s trying to catch her breath. Killian murmurs something to calm her, his hand on top of hers, resting on her stomach, his thumb stroking her hand. She falls asleep to a dreamless remainder of the night, and in the morning, she hardly remembers the fact she even woke up to a forgetful nightmare anyways.

 

The routine goes on.

 

With a couple of dates and outings in between when they get the chance.

 

Ruby bothers her a lot. Killian showers her with so much _love_ (dare she call it anything else because there’s nothing else to call it). David continues to be protective and threatening at the same time. Mary Margaret smacks David and scolds him every time simultaneously.

 

She’s starting to grow fond of it all. The touches and kisses, the asking and questions, the comfort and care. Everything’s falling into this easy routine she’s not had in awhile, and she doesn’t actually mind for once because everything that’s in place starts to make her smile and laugh more than ever. She’s less bitter and hostile according to Killian, and Ruby even says she’s ‘glowing’ (whatever the fuck that means) which is supposedly a good thing.

 

She might not want to admit it - well, past Emma Swan may not admit it, but present Emma Swan will.

 

Life is fucking _good._

 

Until when she gets some phone call.

 

_(“Is this Emma Swan?” a feminine voice asks._

_“Yes, is there something I can help you with?”_

_“Do you know Killian Jones?”_

_Something feels lodged in the back of her throat already. “Yes.”_

_“He’s at the hospital, please come by as soon as you can. Nothing fatal, but do drop by.”_

_Her breaths drop, and she nearly loses her grasp on the phone as if it’s slipping out of her hand at the news. “I’m on my way. Thank you.”)_

 

While she’s pacing back and forth after calling David about the news, she can’t help but wonder what the _fuck_ happened. The nurses were not able to provide much information, because apparently they don’t know the story - that worries her.

 

The doctor comes out saying he’ll need a bit of time for a couple of bruises and cuts to heal, but everything else about him is fine and that he can go home tomorrow morning.

 

Relief washes over her then, she can finally feel like she’s breathing again. David urges her inside. “I’ll wait out here,” he assures her.

 

Nodding, she opens the door and closes it behind her. She notices the way he’s looking at her, his eye full of apologies and nothing else. She catches the weak little smile he gives her. She suddenly can’t breathe again, so she takes in a deep breath and walks toward the bed, taking his hand (the non-bruised) and shutting her eyes forcefully. She doesn’t find enough strength to yell or cry, she’s just worried and slightly frustrated.

 

Because not only will this affect him -

 

It affects _her_.

 

He explains the entire story. He ran into Walsh. Walsh threw the punch, and then the fight continued there. The rest is history.

 

She sighs and nods, grabbing a chair and sliding it down next to his bed, keeping her hand interlocked with his. He tells her to go back to school, but she doesn’t budge from her seat (stubborn she is of course) or listen to what he has to say. She just wants to sit next to him, give herself time to forgive him - even though she already has because that fucker Walsh is going to get a slap to the face and a kick to the nuts the next time she sees him again.

 

She can’t sleep for the night.

 

She just watches - observes him, the way his face is so loose and pain-free and the way his chest rises and drops in a repetitive pattern. She leaves his room quietly and goes to one of those shitty vending machines, getting a drink to supply her awareness for the rest of the night. Not going back into the room, she crunches the can up and throws it away, then kicking her foot at the wall lightly. It’s not anger anymore, just, she _can’t_ lose him, and even if it was just a small fight, she worries a lot. If she lost him, god damn what is she going to do?

 

Say they aren’t dating, she’d lose her best friend, her mentor, her family. She’s not willing to lose that all over again. She’s not willing to go through more pain and heartbreak after finally starting to open up to the idea that she does like him. She’s not willing to go through more loss and abandonment after finally starting to trust him with her heart in his own hands (she’s fully aware that he can break her in half with some words or actions). She’s been a victim for far too long, she’s not going to become one again.

 

She runs into Walsh.

 

She ignores him completely and runs, leaving Killian behind for the night. She just can’t deal with them. (She’ll screw that motherfucker up next time she sees him; no point in starting drama in the hospital.)

 

Campus security doesn’t say shit (not like they care anyways) as she returns back to the dorm. The run back she’s on the verge of tears, her eyes burn like the fire that ignites from a single spark, but she doesn’t cry. What she does do is crawl into bed and feel horrible, without having the capability of going into a slumber. What hurts the most, is sleeping without him. Without his presence in the room, without his strong, lean body pressed against hers, without his nose buried at the nook of her neck. It feels like there’s a ghost beside her, a remnant of Killian Jones next to her in bed.

 

She just waits for daylight, and when it finally comes, she doesn’t know what to do. Visit him, bring him back, skill class? Go to class, deal with him later?

 

Neither of those seem promising enough to sway her in either way. She decides to drop by quick and early to see how he’s doing, bring him back to campus, and then go to class. Not some full-proof plan, but it’ll do.

 

When she slips through the door, hoping to not wake him up, it’s a dumb idea because of course he’s already awake and sitting up in bed, rubbing his eyes and running a hand through his already messy hair. Even with a cut on his lips, bruises on his right hand knuckles, and a healed cut under his cheek, he still looks attractive as hell.

 

“Please tell me you’re here to take me back to school,” Killian complains, stretching his neck. “Bloody hospital beds are horrible to sleep in.”

 

She laughs softly, shaking her head. Sleepless nights are her thing, he at least got some sleep while she couldn’t. “Yeah, well you seemed pretty okay with it before, at least you got sleep.” _Shit_ , she did not mean to say that. She sighs and suppresses a yawn, ignoring the way his eyebrows knit together and how his eyes grow into the blue of the sea.

 

“You didn’t sleep did you, Emma?”

 

She hears the guilt - he used her first name damn it. All she does is nod subtly and help him out of bed, ignoring his eyes the entire time. It’s like there’s a knife in her heart, painful and throbbing while she’s unable to retract and take it out. It hurts to much to know she could have lost him even though it was a small fight and nothing massive. She was scared to death. “ _He’s at the hospital_ ” are words she never wants to hear again.

 

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes softly, pulling her in for a hug.

 

No pulling away comes from her, she just sighs, closes her eyes, and holds onto him tighter, clinging onto him because she’s never felt so lost before. Without him, she feels so worthless, and that’s something she needs to work and build onto. Without him, she feels so lonely and lost, even though she has other friends she can depend and be with. There’s just something about Killian that makes her feel more a whole than half, being a rock or an anchor to her entire life. Sweet god she feels so vulnerable and she hates showing her vulnerable side.

 

When they return, she grabs everything and heads to class (not before Killian gives her a small goodbye kiss and a ‘see you later’ though).

 

She nearly falls asleep in class, even though they’re not doing anything... and the week is ending which means she has two days to finish her analysis and explanation for her painting. While she’s walking back, she gets a call from David asking if she’s alright and if everything between her and Killian are fine. Of course she tells him everything’s perfectly fine, but he insists there’s something off with her mood. She notices it herself too - she feels like she’s pulling away again, the walls are becoming a problem for the millionth time, like she can’t keep letting people in because they’ll disappoint her, or she’ll disappoint them, and fucking shit, her life always is a complete mess.

 

She just wants to get her art done though, so she goes changes paths and heads to the library. She’s not feeling so happy anymore. Emma Swan really just can’t have a moment, can she?

 

But _damn_ , when she finishes her one page explanation about the lyrics, her interpretation, and the reasons of why she chose this and that, it’s like a weight being lifted off her shoulders. She doesn’t have to deal with it anymore. She just needs to print it, and she’s finally _done_ with this project. After two weeks (some sessions with Killian included), all her hard work is finally dealt with, and all that remains is one final sheet, and handing it in.

 

After not checking her phone for two hours, it’s a spam of messages from Killian. Most of them are just wondering where she is, and then there’s a message that says he’ll be out with David. She takes more pain with her than she should from that.

 

As expected, the dorm is empty and dark when she returns. And with nothing else to bother her, nothing else to do, she needs to catch up on her sleep, or at least attempt to.

 

But, no matter what happens, she does fall asleep because her body is practically begging for a break.

 

When she wakes up, she isn’t alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just because she's done her project, does not mean the story is ending any time soon. There were some hints (major hints) in previous chapters about where this is headed, so make sure to stay tuned! Comments are always appreciated.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been hella long since I've updated this (like over a month now), but this chapter is short. However this is the chapter that will be setting up the next couple. Hope it's interesting. At all. (I know it probably isn't, haha.)

_Went face to face with all our fears_

_learned our lessons through the tears_

_made memories we knew would never fade_

**the nights by avicii**

 

 

* * *

 

 

Her head is on his chest, and she hasn’t even realized this all night. She’s just noticed after waking up and realizing a pair of strong arms are holding her closely. His steady heartbeat thumps against her ear,  reminding her he’s fine and healthy, just some bruises and cuts. She exhales a quiet, but shaky breath because she’s still take repercussions from all of what’s happened. She’s never meant to have so much withdrawal, it just somehow happened.

 

It’s a Thursday morning and neither of them have any classes, so she stays silent and still, letting herself relish in the moment.

 

God, she’s missed being in his arms. It’s only been a day, but one night of not getting any required sleep has made her feel like something was missing all along. And it frightens her because he’s filling the void in her heart (has a long time ago, but she refuses to believe so) and he has so much power over her, over possibly hurting her, and she hates that. But _fuck_ , that’s how relationships are, that’s how it goes. She just doesn’t want to watch him slip away from her, and facing the truth is scary to her, but she needs to, and she knows.

 

Swimming in the high tides are annoying, waiting for someone to bring her home, to have a place to belong to. She can’t continue to try and fool herself, to run away from everything again. In the end, the same thing, same concept, same messages still apply to her.

 

Killian finally wakes up, looking down at her. He grumbles, “Good morning,” and she does the same in return, but her voice is quiet.

 

“Why did you not respond to any of my messages last night, Swan? Have I done something wrong?” he asks, his hand brushing over her hair.

 

“No, no, _no_ ,” she quickly denies, gulping. “I was at the library working on the last thing for my painting.”

 

“The explanation portion?”

 

“Yeah. I just didn’t realize my phone went off. It’s a library… it was on silent obviously - sorry, I made you worry, didn’t I?”

 

“Aye, you did,” he murmurs. “After the brawl I got in with Walsh, you’ve been pulling away and I fear losing you, love. I don’t know what else to do to prove to you much how sorry I am, Swan. I- I can’t lose you too, if you understand me. You might know me as a bloody ignorant fool who loves to make jokes and all, but losing you… watching you walk away from me without a single thing I can do, you would take that all away, there would be a part of me torn away with you.” He sighs, his hand rubbing over her waist. “And I know your issues. You fear losing me the most, too.”

 

“Stop it,” she sternly states, shaking her head, burying her face at the crook of his neck. “If you know this, if you want to make us work out well, you need to try too, Killian. Stop talking about it, and prove it to me, prove it to yourself.”

 

He cradles the back of her head. “I promise, I swear I will, Emma. I will prove it.”

 

She smiles, hearing his vow is somewhat calming and reassuring in several ways. “Good, now can we go back to sleep?”

 

“As you wish, darling.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

They don’t spend the day doing much in particular. The entire thing with Walsh is still a battle in her mind, and she’s surely positive Killian has noticed how she sometimes tends to zone out and forget what they’re discussing. He sighs and shrugs, not bothering to ask her about it. She’s thankful for that because it may be easy to think about it, but speaking out on it - god, she’ll be sure to lose her mind if she has to say anything at all.

 

She dozes off on his shoulder, halfway through their third movie of the day. Waking up isn’t pleasant when it’s to some nightmare, but Killian’s there, jumping off his bed and to where she is on hers, cradling the back of her head and rubbing her back gently, soothing her from the sudden fright. Her hands are still trembling as she purses her lips, pushing herself deeper into his embrace. He once again, does not ask what she’s had a nightmare about, brushing his lips over the crown of her head.

 

“Stay?” she asks quietly.

 

“Always.”

 

He holds her closely, threading his fingers through her hair. She’s still scared of going back to sleep, thinking these sudden, horrific nightmares will return shortly if she goes back into slumber. He must notice her hesitance, so he drapes one arm over her and pulls her in closely. “I’ll keep you safe.” It’s a couple of words that release some of her tension and fear, before she shuts her eyes tightly.

 

Later, when she’s awake and waiting for the paper to print, she stares blankly at the wall. He jumps at her which makes her perk up and nearly fall off her seat. He runs a hand through his hair, smiling and kissing her cheek.

 

“Why did you do that? Jesus,” she mutters, rubbing her face.

 

“Loosen up, love,” he insists, nudging her shoulder with his hand. “Printing that thing for your project?”

 

“Yep.”

 

“I’m proud of you,” he murmurs, “for completing such a masterpiece, of course.”

 

She grins at his compliment, sighing contently. “Well, thanks, I guess. By the way, I never got to see your final project when you said you’d show me. There was always something getting in the way, spoiling our plans.”

 

He opens his mouth, scratching the back of his ear. “Perhaps you’ll have to see it in class tomorrow when you go hand in your work. Mr. Andrews already put it up on display even though I told him I’d prefer not to.”

 

“Oh? Why not?” she asks. “Like, why not have it up there? Your work is great.”

 

“Aye, that I know, but I don’t want to be under the limelight.” He shrugs. “Besides, it’s our last year, so what’s the point? I’d rather have him put up new work from those other talented people.”

 

“Look at you wanting to be generous,” she teases, taking the printed sheet out of the paper. “That’s a good thing to consider, Killian. But you deserve it - the recognition of your work.”

 

“And so do you,” he whispers, quietly.

 

She chuckles, shaking her head. “Really? I mean, yeah my stuff can be good, but it’s nothing compared to those other artists in my class. I’m still levels under them,” she explains, only trying to state the truth to him. “But you know what? I’m looking forward to my future anyways because _someone_ told me to stay enthusiastic and prepared for everything ahead of me. I don’t care about being famous, as much as that sounds nice. I just… want to do something I love, and I love painting and drawing and art. I don’t need people to know my name left and right to be happy.” She takes out her binder from the bag and slips her paper in. “Just let Mr. Andrews put your work up on display.”

 

Killian sighs. “But can you at least let me give you the recognition you deserve, love?” he asks, his brows creased together. “Because honestly, your work is eye-catching, beautiful, and really outstanding.”

 

She doesn’t respond - just smiles and gives him silent appreciation.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“It’s the last party of the year, Emma, come on!” Ruby exclaims, encouraging her. “One night. Tonight.”

 

“I don’t do parties, Ruby,” she sighs, “you know that.”

 

“You might not, but everyone else does. It’s open to every student on campus.”

 

“Fine, _fine_ , since there’s no way I can convince you to stop trying to bribe me into going.” She grabs her bag, flinging it across one shoulder. “Just text me the details, and then knock on the door and we can go together. Does that sound good?”

 

Ruby practically squeals, “Hell yeah.”

 

She’s gotten herself into a mess, but it’s always like that with Ruby. The thing is, she’s usually ditched on parties before, always focusing on her work, but this is the last one of the year, last of her college days (except the summer cottage thing with her friends), and she supposes it’s the least she can do in order to honour her friendship.

 

It’s just a matter of hoping that Ruby and Victor don’t end up in some corner making out, rather than actually _enjoying_ the activities of socializing with other friends.

 

She tells Killian all about what's going on, but he says he's staying in for a quiet night instead of a loud one. If she knew any earlier, she could have used him as an excuse to not attend the party, but then Ruby probably would have tried to convince her and Killian to go.  She just decides to spend the rest of her time before the party with Killian, opting for a quick movie.

 

Her phone goes off by the end of the movie, saying there's half an hour before they leave. "Well, what to do for the next half an hour?" she wonders, leaning her head on his shoulder. "YouTube? Another movie?"

 

"Unfinished movies ruin the mood, so let us watch some YouTube then," he mumbles, opening up chrome on his laptop.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Just as she's climbing off the bed, there's a series of knocks at the door that are clearly Ruby's. Killian opens the door and greets her as Emma grabs her jacket and phone. Unlike Ruby, she is not dressed in anything fancy or revealing - then again, it is _Ruby_.

 

"Have fun, love," he murmurs, pressing his lips against hers for a sweet little kiss. "Call if you need anything."

 

"Yeah, I know. And I'll try." She smiles, saving goodbye as he closes the door and trails behind Ruby.

 

Ruby continues on about how adorable they are as a couple, how Killian really likes her and pretty much everything she's already aware of.  But, she lets her spew out whatever is on her mind anyway, and Emma simply nods and hums in response until she finally shuts up when they arrive at the destination. Students are all piling inside of the large pub, talking and laughing and just hanging out as it's finally nearing the end of the year. Another week, and everyone will finally be free. Excluding graduation of course, god, it's going to be exciting, but embarrassing all the same.

 

The both of them meet Victor at the bar, and surprisingly, he’s talking to Mary Margaret and David. Usually, neither of them go out to large events like this, but it seems like even they were persuaded enough to join in on the _fun_.

 

She lives for the moments she can have for now, talking, laughing - just pure happiness with friends. Although her mind drifts off to Killian sometimes, she can still keep herself going on the conversations they have. She orders her drink and then goes back to talking, snorting at the story Ruby tells about how Victor once tripped over the stairs because he wasn’t “paying attention.”

 

When her drink is given to her, she lets the cool liquid flush down her throat. Stings, but relieving none the less. Maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea in the first place - maybe it was just her own fears clouding her judgement of attending a gathering like this. Everyone seems to be minding their own business anyways, so it’s not like she’s being tormented by being forced to converse with unfamiliar people from around campus.

 

About half an hour or so later, unexpectedly, she begins to feel a slight flash of disorientation. Pinching the bridge of her nose slowly and squeezing her eyes shut, she tries to push out the feeling, assuming it’s nothing but a simple headache that’ll pass by quickly. Boy, is she _wrong_.

 

“Hey, are you okay?”

 

“Emma?”

 

_… David?_

 

“Emma!”

 

“Someone call Killian!”

 

She blinks once. Twice. Fifty times. A _hundred_ times. But everything is blurry, and she’s feeling somewhat nauseous, and what the _fuck_ is going on? She’s literally swimming through her mind right now, and she’s trying to hang onto the edge, but she’s got a lack of control for her own body at the moment, and the second she thinks about staying conscious, she actually does the contrary and falls unconscious instead.

 

All she really knows is that she does _not_ like this feeling.

 


End file.
